ARLINGTON, TX--With the playoff race heating up, several contending teams made moves to bolster their pitching staffs for the stretch run. Names like Kip Wells, Kyle Lohse, Cory Lidle, and Oliver Perez topped the list of shitty pitchers who changed addresses in deadline deals. GM’s are hoping they can stop being shitty long enough to propel their teams into the postseason.

The Rangers, who acquired right-hander Kip Wells, owner of a 6.69 ERA, feel they have sufficiently “bolstered their pitching staff.”

“We were looking to bolster our pitching staff for the stretch run and we think we did that with the acquisition of Kip Wells,” said GM Jon Daniels. “Of course, by ‘bolster’ we mean ‘sign a pitcher who has pitched before,’ and Kip certainly qualifies in that regard. He is definitely a pitcher with a history of…pitching, and we hope he’ll continue that for our team. Watch out, division! We’ve acquired a professional pitcher!”

Wells, who led all pitchers with 18 losses last year, started the season on the DL. He has won his last four stars, however, and appears to be returning to the form that made him a mediocre pitcher in previous years.

Another team that bolstered their staff by adding a shitty pitcher was the New York Yankees, who acquired Cory Lidle from the Philadelphia Phillies. Lidle was 8-7 with a 4.74 ERA for the Phillies, and should be even shittier when facing AL East opponents.

“Cory is a guy who can eat up innings and give our bullpen some relief,” said GM Brian Cashman. “He’s going to face some tougher competition here in the AL East, but he should be fine as long as he doesn’t hide in the clubhouse and refuse to come out like Shawn Chacon did before his last few outings. Not that I blame him. In fact, I would've lost a lot of respect for him if he didn't.”

Lidle is considered a minor upgrade over Chacon, who was traded away to the Pittsburgh Pirates for outfielder Craig Wilson.

“So we got rid of Chacon and replaced him with Lidle, which means our shittiness level, overall, probably dropped a degree or two,” said Cashman. “And that’s what the trading deadline is all about. Of course, we also brought in some offense in Bobby Abreu. He’s like a more timid version of Gary Sheffield without the power numbers. But at least he’s overpaid.”

Meanwhile, in the National League West, the Los Angeles Dodgers acquired a pitcher who is both a Hall of Famer and shitty: Greg Maddux. Maddux has won over 300 games but is no longer able to get out of the fifth inning with regularity. Still, he’s won over 300 games.

“If you’re going to get a shitty pitcher, you might as well get one that’s going to the Hall of Fame,” said GM Ned Colletti. “Greg is a savvy veteran pitcher who knows how to get himself out of the numerous jams he gets himself into. His stuff isn’t that great anymore and he doesn’t have any stamina, and he really can’t get anybody out, and he definitely can’t go more than 6 innings, and he probably should have retired three years ago, and…wait a minute. What was I talking about? Oh yea. Maddux is a great pickup and he should help us in the pennant race.”

Some contending teams opted to stand pat rather than make a desperation move for an ineffective starter. It remains to be seen whether that strategy will pay dividends, but historically, trade deadline moves have been hit and miss.

White Sox GM Kenny Williams says that sometimes the best move is no move at all.

“We could have traded away some of our assets to get some crappy pitcher, but instead we decided to stand pat,” said Williams “It always cracks me up when teams go out and sign any old pitcher and say they ‘shored up their rotation.’ It’s only shored up if the pitcher is effective. We didn't make any moves at all because we have confidence in the guys we have. Or, to put it another way, we tried like hell to make a move but failed miserably.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.