Disappointed Investigators Find Only Human Corpses On Vick’s Property

SURRY, VA--Federal investigators expressed disappointment yesterday after an exhaustive search of Michael Vick’s Virginia property turned up a mass grave containing 36 human corpses, but no dog corpses, leaving investigators without the smoking gun they needed to convict Vick of running an illegal dog fighting ring.

“It’s extremely disheartening that we were not able to come away with the evidence we needed,” said a person close to the investigation who wished to remain anonymous. “We were almost positive that there was a mass doggie grave on the property, but it turned out we were only half right. There was a mass grave, but it contained only humans. I don’t know where they came from, but they sure as hell weren’t canines. I’m starting to think Michael Vick isn’t the monster we all thought he was.”

The source then described the process of excavating the grave and the “profound sense of disappointment” that followed the grisly discovery.

“We had a tip as to where we should be digging, and we brought some shovels and some earth-moving equipment,” the source said. “About four hours later somebody’s shovel hit something in the ground. We all started frantically digging, thinking we struck gold, but it turned out the object was nothing but a human foot. The only good thing is that one of the corpses we found was clutching a dog leash, so we were able to chop off his hand and send it to the lab for analysis. If we find some dog DNA on there, we could have a case against this guy.”

After refilling the hole, the investigators took another tour around the property, where they found two more human corpses behind a shed.

“We started rummaging around behind this shed and we found a couple more dead people,” said the investigator. “We kicked them out of the way, but there was nothing underneath them and no visible signs of dog hair or dog blood or anything. What a waste of time. Talk about a wild goose chase.”

Surry County Commonwealth Attorney Gerald G. Poindexter was shocked by the federal government’s decision to search the Vick property and accused them of getting involved simply because Vick is a celebrity. He also acknowledged that he knew of the mass grave but didn’t bother reporting it to the feds because “nobody asked.”

“I’m not sure why the feds didn’t just come to me and ask what we found on the property,” said Poindexter. “I could have told them there was nothing of interest there and saved them a helluva lot of digging. I guess they just wanted to get involved because Mike is a celebrity. Personally I think it’s a witch hunt. Why would a person involved in dog fighting have a mass human grave in his backyard? It doesn't even make sense. Could he be a necrophiliac or a cannibal? Sure, but that doesn’t mean he abuses animals.”

Poindexter then predicted that Vick would eventually be exonerated and that the “pushy” federal investigators would owe him an apology.

“Once this investigation runs its course, we could discover that Mr. Vick is innocent of these charges,” he said. “If that happens, somebody owes the man an apology. His name has been dragged through the mud. Also, this has been a huge distraction for the Falcons. They were supposed to have a big year this year and now they have to worry about a bunch of dead dogs? I guess it’s karmic retribution for trading their only decent quarterback.”

Vick’s cousin, Davon Boddie, acknowledged that there were dozens of human corpses on the Vick property and that his cousin occasionally liked to wear a suit made of human skin and that he often dined on human organs, but said the dog fighting allegations were “outrageous.”

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