INDIANAPOLIS--The Jacksonville Jaguars ran for a near-record 375 yards against the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday, and Colts GM Bill Polian has seen enough. Polian sent a letter to Commissioner Roger Goodell today urging him to crack down on teams running the ball against his defense. That strategy, according to Polian, is making it increasingly difficult for the Colts to have success at stopping the run.

“I did talk to the commissioner, and I did urge them to take some action against this,” Polian admitted to the Indianapolis Star on Monday. “It’s virtually impossible for our guys to compete when they’re having the ball shoved down their throats all day. Yesterday the Jaguars had two guys over 100 yards in the first half. The first half! By the end of the game they had some nobody third stringer in there rushing for touchdowns. It’s ridiculous. The league is going to have to address this at some point if it wants us to stop embarrassing ourselves every week.”

Polian then used a videotape from the game to illustrate examples of opponents punishing his defense with running plays.

“Okay, here’s a play from the second quarter,” he began. “Our defense is in a Cover 2. Now slow it down a little and you can see right…there, there’s a handoff to the running back. Now watch as he darts up the middle of the field for the touchdown. See, that’s where we’re having the problem. They do this all game. Our defenders don't know what the hell is going on. Look – Dwight Freeney is still in the backfield looking for the quarterback. The rules need to be adjusted to make it fair for everyone, otherwise we’ll never win a Super Bowl, and then the whole league suffers.”

Polian has complained to the league in the past about unfair practices, and is believed to be the driving force behind the recent emphasis on protecting wide receivers from contact down the field. His new crusade, however, isn’t gaining much support from other owners.

“Bill has gone too far this time,” said one AFC owner. “It’s one thing to complain about your receivers getting bumped, but rushing the football is an integral part of the game. That being said, I can see why he’s upset. That rushing defense is a horror show. I can’t wait until we play them in a couple weeks. We’re going to let this Make-A-Wish kid be offensive coordinator for a day. All he has to do is call ‘run up the middle’ all day and we should win by four or five touchdowns.”

When told of Polian’s complaint to the league, Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio was stunned, and insisted he did nothing wrong in deciding to go with a run-heavy offensive game plan.

In fact, Del Rio said he would make the same decision again if the two teams meet in the playoffs.

“It’s pretty surprising that Bill would do something like this,” Del Rio said. “He’s been in the league a long time and I’m sure he’s aware of the rules. Obviously we decided to run the ball a lot because that’s our strength. The fact that we had so much success is a testament to our run-blocking and our backs’ ability to find the holes – or in this case, the deep, yawning chasms. Not to make fun of them or anything, but it’s pretty bad when you have to start passing the ball to avoid running up the score.”

Despite the controversy, the league plans to look closely at game tapes to see if there is any merit to Polian’s complaints. Commissioner Goodell did say he was “alarmed” by the number of rushing yards the Colts allowed on Sunday.

“Obviously when we saw 375 yards a red flag went up,” Goodell said. “It’s in everybody’s best interests to have a level playing field, and if some teams have an unfair advantage over others, we have to address that. Mr. Polian is a man who cares deeply about fair play and never hesitates to call attention to inequities, especially when they work against his team. A couple years ago he actually complained about the weather. He said it was too cold during road games. Lo and behold, the winters seem to be getting warmer. Like I always say, squeaky wheel gets the grease.”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

 <