NEW YORK--According to the media watchdog group Fairness in Media (FIM), the sports media does not adequately hate the Notre Dame football team. The group accused sportswriters and media personalities of kowtowing to the Irish by rationally assessing the team’s chances for the upcoming season instead of calling them “homos” and saying they suck.

“There is a disturbing pattern to the sports media’s coverage of Notre Dame,” said Dr. Donald Walsh, the group’s president. “Repeatedly, the coverage focuses on matters like their schedule, their chances for the upcoming season, and most disturbingly, the fact that they may have a chance the win the national championship. What, do they have a crush on Brady Quinn? Is he their boyfriend or something?”

Walsh criticized several media outlets for being “mouthpieces” for Notre Dame and predicting they would challenge for the national title this year.

“You can pick Ohio State to win it all, you can pick USC to win it all, and you can even choose Texas to win it all after losing Vince Young to the NFL,” Walsh said. “But picking the Irish to win it all or even finish in the Top 5 is an abomination. It’s a slap in the face to journalistic integrity. Any honest reporter would be dumping all over them because they’re gay and dumb and the whole stupid program is retarded.”

Walsh challenged the media to “clean up its act” and start being objective in its reporting about Notre Dame football.

“If these people are serious about reform, there are a few things they must do,” he said. “First, they must rank the Irish somewhere near the bottom of the top 25. Secondly, they must rail against the fact that they are ‘independent’ and too hoity-toity to join a conference like everyone else. Lastly, they need to post pictures of Charlie Weis which are doctored to make him look like he has human genitals in his mouth. Anything short of that would be insufficient.”

Members of the media have disputed FIM’s allegations that they are biased in favor of the Fighting Irish. Instead, they cite actual evidence that the Irish have talent on both sides of the ball as well as several players returning from last year’s squad.

Columnist Jason Gale, who picked the Irish to finish #2 in the preseason AP poll, said his decision was based on fact, not bias.

“Yes, I picked them to finish second behind Ohio State,” Gale said. “I don’t have any bias. I could care less about Notre Dame. I’m from Seattle. I just really like the way Charlie Weis runs this team. Plus, teams like USC and Texas have lost some great players to the NFL, while the Irish have retained most of theirs. I thought it was a reasonable choice, but apparently I’m just a sucker. From what I hear they’re about as good as a high school JV squad.”

Some of the most vicious attacks on the media have not come from watchdog groups, but from internet bloggers and underground journalists who see the mainstream media as out of touch and ill-informed.

“I just read an article in The Sporting News where some nobody reporter claimed the Irish could run the table,” wrote Jeff Franklin on his blog, “Hungry Like the Wolverines.” “I am so sick of these know-nothing idiots jumping on the Irish bandwagon like lapdogs. They get so caught up in all that so-called mystique. Isn’t it great that you can come to a site like mine and get the real truth behind the hype? Yup, this is a no spin zone, friends. And now on to my prediction: Michigan will go undefeated and Chad Henne will win the Heisman and be voted Time Magazine’s Man of the Year.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.