Scores Of Cubs Fans Killed In Tragic Bandwagon Crash

CHICAGO--Body parts and debris littered Waveland Ave in Chicago after a tragic bandwagon crash took the lives of scores of Cubs fans Friday night. Paramedics raced to the scene after the wheels flew off the bandwagon and it veered off the side of the road, overturning and bursting into flames. Survivors were airlifted to a nearby hospital as city officials tried to piece together what happened.

“Oh my God, the carnage!” cried officer Paul Linderman as he surveyed the scene. “I’ve never seen anything like it. All these poor Cubs fans killed just because they chose to jump on that bandwagon. That’s why I always stay away from those things. They’re really not that dependable.”

One survivor told the harrowing story of the doomed bandwagon.

“It happened around the sixth inning of the Cubs-Marlins game. We were listening to it and the Marlins had just scored their seventh run, when all of a sudden the bandwagon started to smell funny,” said Richard Hinman, of Oak Park, Il. “It was that awful smell you get when the radiator is leaking. Then things just got worse. After the game ended 11-1 the whole damn bandwagon pretty much self destructed, taking a lot of innocent lives with it. Who would’ve thought the Cubs bandwagon would be so dangerous and destructive?”

Many were shocked by the tragic disaster, especially since the bandwagon was in such great shape just a few months ago. During the offseason, it had accumulated throngs of new fans and was one of the most crowded in the nation. Some experts believe this overcrowding may have contributed to the unsafe conditions that led to the crash.

“Perhaps it was just the shock of so many people jumping on at once,” said Larry Martinson, sports editor of the Chicago Tribune. “Once that happened it started to veer out of control. Sammy Sosa’s bat mysteriously disappeared, Mark Prior got injured and has yet to return to form, Kerry Wood got hurt, and new acquisition Nomar Garciaparra has fizzled, perhaps because of his own negative experiences with overcrowded bandwagons. Whatever the case, this is a black day for Chicago, and not just because the Street Ball Tour just showed up.”

In the fall of 2003, the Cubs bandwagon experienced a similar disaster, when it spontaneously burst into flames moments after the infamous Steve Bartman interfered with Moises Alou’s effort to catch a foul ball. Hospitals were filled to capacity with the dead and injured and there were many that did not believe Cubs fans would climb back on.

However, the team’s talented young pitching staff and potent lineup drew masses of fans back onto a shiny new bandwagon. With the addition of all-star shortstop Nomar Garciaparra, every man, woman and child was riding a wave of optimism, expecting the Cubbies to go deep into the postseason.

But that optimism has been waning lately and the team’s downward spiral finally came to a head with the bloody wreck that left many of the faithful dead or hospitalized.

“Geez, I’m real sorry to hear that all those folks got hurt,” said pitcher Mark Prior. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see this coming, though. You could hear the wheels squeaking on that thing weeks ago. A lot of people were whispering that it wasn’t that sturdy and something terrible was going to happen, just like last year. This should be a lesson to all Cubs fans. Next time the wheels start falling off, bail out as fast as you can. Never, ever get on a Cubs bandwagon. You’re taking your life into your own hands.”

At Chicago’s Northwestern Memorial Hospital, beds are scarce and the sound of tortured screams echoes down the hallway. Those that died in the crash were the lucky ones. For the survivors must live with the nightmarish memories of a great ride turned tragic.

“Why? Why? Why?” cried one young woman, her legs mangled beyond recognition. “Why can’t we hit get any clutch hitting? Why is our pitching staff suddenly mediocre? Why did Nomar get hurt again? Why did we even get Nomar, the cursed bastard?”

Across the hall another young man cursed himself for failing to heed the advice of his father and grandfather.

“My father told me never to get on that thing,” he said. “My grandfather did, too. But did I listen? No, I was too arrogant. I thought I was immortal. I thought it couldn’t happen to me. This should be a lesson to everyone who has faith in the Cubs. Faith should be reserved for religious deities, not baseball teams owned by giant media conglomerates.”