Cursed Patriots Fail To Win Super Bowl For Second Time In Five Years

FOXBORO, MA--Just two years after the Boston Red Sox broke their historic curse, another Boston-area team, the New England Patriots, is in the throes of its own nightmare. For the second time in just five years, the Patriots have failed to win the Super Bowl. When will the run of bad luck end? Nobody knows for sure, but with each passing year, the shadow of history looms larger and larger for the team from Foxboro.

“Goddamn it! How could this happen again?” screamed quarterback Tom Brady, throwing his helmet against the wall in frustration following Saturday’s loss to the Denver Broncos. “Oh, cruel hand of fate, stop toying with us! I mean, it’s one thing to lose out on one Super Bowl, but two? Two? That’s not bad luck. That’s a curse. I said this in 2001 and it’s looking strangely prophetic. We never should’ve gotten rid of long snapper Ron Thompson. Ever since then, we’ve lost two Super Bowls. Meanwhile, he’s running a successful auto dealership in Rhode Island.”

What’s worse than the fact that the Patriots lost is the manner in which they did it. There were interceptions, fumbles, and even a missed field goal from the always-reliable Adam Vinatieri.

“When that field goal missed, I knew that we were a cursed team,” coach Bill Belichick told reporters after the game. “It reminded me a little bit of when the ball went through Buckner’s legs in the 86 World Series. It’s just depressing to think that we could’ve won the game but for some bad luck or bad karma or whatever you want to call it. We will break that curse someday, though. That is my vow to the people of New England. Someday we’ll rid ourselves of this dark cloud hanging over our head.”

For Belichick, the signature moment in the game came when a phantom pass interference call was made on cornerback Asante Samuel, setting up an easy touchdown for the Broncos that would put them ahead for good.

“That right there tells you all you need to know about our luck,” he said. “We can’t catch a break. If you told me when I came to this team that we would suffer through two separate seasons where we would fail, not only to win the Super Bowl, but to get to the Super Bowl, I would’ve laughed in your face. Actually I wouldn’t have laughed in your face. I would’ve said ‘no comment’ and then went back to my office, closed the door and laughed.”

When the Patriots missed out on the Super Bowl in 2002, they thought they couldn’t sink any lower. That’s why the Denver loss stings so much. It’s like déjà vu all over again.

“Oh my God this is like reliving a nightmare,” said Troy Brown, who had a crucial fumble in Saturday’s game. “I never thought I would experience something like this again. 2002 was the lowest I have ever been in this game, yet I took solace in the fact that we could never, ever fail to get to the Super Bowl again. And now this. I don’t even know what to think anymore. I guess you just have to keep plugging away and hope you start catching some breaks.”

Some of the Denver players took exception to all the talk of curses, however. As far as they’re concerned, they won the game because they executed better and made fewer mistakes.

“How long are the Patriots going to use this ‘curse’ talk as a crutch?” asked quarterback Jake Plummer. “That’s an insult to us as a team. We went out there and executed the game plan. It wasn’t luck or fate or karma. It was simply one team playing better than the other. Stop making excuses, Patriots. You’re nightmarish run isn’t because of a curse, but because of your own shocking ineptitude.”

Still, one Denver player felt the team had “a bit of an advantage” of the hard luck Patriots.

“I have to admit that I did feel pretty good coming into this game,” said safety John Lynch. “Knowing their history, you can’t help but think about it when it comes down to crunch time. Your mind immediately races back to 2002 when they didn’t even make the playoffs. Plus, this old stadium has its share of ghosts. I swear I felt a chill down my spine in the fourth quarter when I knew that the ghosts of Terrell Davis and Shannon Sharpe were looking down on us. What’s that? They’re alive? It’s a miracle!”