INDIANAPOLIS--The amazing Jay Cutler, one of the greatest quarterbacks in football history, wowed scouts over the weekend by getting a perfect score on the Wonderlic exam while wearing a blindfold. It was the first ever perfect score on the test, but for Cutler, it was all in a day’s work.

“Ah, it was nothing. I just decided to do it blindfolded to get the attention of the scouts,” said Cutler. “I do amazing things like this every day. Once you’ll get to know me you’ll see that pretty much everything I do is perfect. Hell, I can play linebacker if they want. I can kick field goals. If someone gets injured, I can heal them - with my bare hands. Why do you think I rocketed up the draft board so fast?”

After taking the Wonderlic, Cutler returned to the football field and amazed more scouts with his superhuman skills. The highlight of his workout was a 90-yard perfect touchdown pass thrown while he was falling backwards to the ground. Immediately after the play, Cutler dropped down and did 100 push-ups.

“Whenever I score a touchdown or make some spectacular play, I always drop and do 100 right after it,” said Cutler. “I know it might seem kind of weird to certain Hollywood types and certain ‘athletic’ quarterbacks from Texas, but I guess I’m just cut from a different cloth. Oops. Look at the time. I’ve got to go to the gym and pump iron, then head over to the children’s hospital for my weekly visit. Then it’s off to my MENSA meeting.”

Cutler is a product of Vanderbilt University. Because of their small football program, he didn’t get the media attention that Matt Leinart and Vince Young did. Recently, however, his stock has soared and he's now projected as the second or third pick in the draft.

“Jay just came out of nowhere this year,” said one AFC scout. “He didn’t have an impressive record in college, but he has all the tools – strength, speed, intelligence, you name it. The fact that he aced that Wonderlic test without looking didn’t surprise me at all. I’m just surprised he even bothered taking it. Nobody here would dare question his intelligence, and if he got that impression, then we all owe him a big apology.”

The buzz around Jay Cutler is growing louder by the day, while the opposite is true for his two main rivals, Leinart and Young.

Even Leinart admitted, however, that Cutler was worthy of the hype.

“It’s hard to argue with all this hype,” Leinart told reporters at the combine. “He is amazing. I’ve never seen anything quite like him in my life. The funny thing is that he’s actually a really nice guy. I walked up to him yesterday all nervous and stuff and shook his hand. He was totally cool, you know, just a regular guy. He even talked to me for a few minutes. Of course I was a blubbering idiot the whole time. Man, I’m such a dork.”

Believe it or not, there are still some people who are not sold on Cutler. One, to be exact: Vince Young of the Texas Longhorns.

“I’m sorry I just don’t see it,” Young said yesterday. “OK so he’s got speed and agility and all that crap. Big deal. I’m a pretty good quarterback, too. Remember me? Rose Bowl? About a million total yards? Everybody saying I was the best quarterback they’d ever seen? Yea well I haven’t gone anywhere. I’m still here. Yes, I got a 6 on the Wonderlic on the first try, but then I took it again and got a 16. Of course, I wasn’t blindfolded at the time - but I did have my headphones on.”

Whichever team drafts Cutler will almost certainly be the favorite to win the Super Bowl next year and every year for the foreseeable future. That team could be the Tennessee Titans, which is just fine with Cutler.

“I’d love to play for the Titans,” he said. “Winning a dozen or so Super Bowls here in Tennessee would be terrific. The only thing I worry about is whether it will get boring for the fans to watch someone so flawless in every way. That could be a serious problem. I hope it doesn’t discourage the Titans from selecting me.”

Most observers have the Titans selecting Cutler, especially since Nashville city officials are already planning the 2007 Super Bowl parade.

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.