ORLANDO, FL--Golfer John Daly, who has admitted to being addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, and gambling, revealed in an interview with 60 Minutes that he now has a new demon to grapple with: chewing gum. It seems that Daly’s addictive personality knows no bounds.

“I do have an addictive, compulsive personality and I think that manifests itself in these bad habits,” Daly told Morley Safer. “Everybody knows about my problems with whiskey. I just couldn’t get enough of that stuff for a long, long time. Loved it. Cigarettes, too. But this chewing gum thing really blindsided me. I didn’t even realize you could get addicted to gum. Now I have another personal demon to deal with, as well as another book in my future.”

Daly appeared on 60 Minutes to promote his book John Daly: My Life In and Out of the Rough, in which he reveals for the first time the full scope of his gambling addiction. There is no mention of the chewing gum addiction, however, which he calls “a totally new development.”

“I started chewing gum about two years ago as a way to curb my cigarette smoking,” Daly said. “Needless to say it didn’t work, but I did start to develop an affinity for the stuff. Big Red, Wrigley’s, Trident, Bubble Yum, Extra, even Chicklets – whatever I could get my hands on I would chew. The worst by far, though, was Fruit Stripes. That shit loses its flavor in about 30 seconds, so you have no choice but to keep cramming new pieces into your mouth.”

The gum chewing addiction has not been as destructive as Daly's other addictions, but he still spends upwards of $3,000 a week on his new habit.

“$3,000 a week is about right. That’s an average week for me,” he said. “On a bad week it could be twice that. All told I’ve probably gone through close to $175,000 in the past year or so. Just look at me. I’ve got a mouthful of the stuff right now. It’s that Bazooka shit, too. It’s horrible and sugary and comes with these dumb little comic strips. Get some new material, guys. Two teens making wise cracks over a root beer float just isn’t funny anymore.”

Despite his problems, Daly is one of the most popular players on the PGA tour. He’s funny, personable, and down-to-earth, and his many vices help reinforce his everyman persona.

The gum chewing addiction, however, might not resonate as well as the alcohol and gambling addictions, simply because it’s so dumb.

“John’s taking this ‘flawed yet wonderful’ persona a little too far at this point,” said Jerry Tarde, editor of Golf Digest. “I’m not sure if people are going to relate to this. I mean, who the hell gets addicted to chewing gum? At some point he’s going to need to get some self control. I’m not saying I can’t relate to him. We’ve all succumbed to the volcano of flavor bursting from a piece of Fruit Stripes gum, but you have to give yourself limits. That’s why I haven’t had a cavity in ten years, thank you very much.”

So far, the chewing gum habit has not taken much of a toll on Daly’s life or golf game. But he knows that the root problem is his addictive personality, and if he kicks the gum habit something else will pop up to take its place.

“Addiction is a slippery slope,” Daly said. “Whether it’s gum, beer, gambling, cigarettes, drugs, whatever –it grabs hold of you and doesn’t let go. It’s going to take years of therapy to cure me of these compulsive tendencies. In the meantime I think I’ll take a drink of water. Mmmmm…this is good. What is this, Poland Spring? Oh my God, it’s amazing. I need more. More. Now. Where can I get more of this shit?”

Later that night, Daly was seen in the parking lot of a local supermarket loading cases of Poland Spring into the back of a van.

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.