DURHAM, NC--With his case against the Duke lacrosse team in tatters and the accuser’s testimony looking less and less credible, Durham district attorney Mike Nifong has come forward with a new claim: that the suspects in the case raped him. He offered little evidence to support his claim but said that “everything would come out in due time.

Nifong originally claimed that three players on the Duke lacrosse team raped a stripper at a party, a claim that, after nearly six months of investigations and interviews, appears to have little merit.

“Yes, it is true that these three hooligans have raped me,” Nifong told the News and Observer yesterday. “I have the evidence to prove it, too. I have startling testimony from me, the vic

tim, as well as some gruesome cuts and scars on my genitals. Of course I’m not showing anybody any of this stuff right now. It’s all top secret. In fact, I think the court should just take my word for it and send these kids to jail. That will teach them a lesson.”

Nifong said he still plans to prosecute the boys for the original charge of sexually assaulting the stripper, but for now, that case is on the back burner.

“Yes, I’m still pursuing that case,” Nifong said. “But its very difficult and complicated and I think we should just put it on the back burner and focus on what happened to me last night. I have a reliable witness – myself– and I have compelling testimony from someone who won’t keep changing his story – myself– plus I have some good physical evidence. But most importantly, we have the suspects themselves. Just look at them. How can anyone that clean-cut and white not be a rapist?”

Nifong has been criticized by legal experts for his handling of the high-profile rape. Since the initial charges were filed, numerous holes have been shot through the case and members of the defense team have urged him to drop the case altogether. However, Nifong has been steadfast in his commitment to bringing it to trial.

Kim Roberts, a dancer that accompanied the accuser to the party where she was allegedly raped, cast doubt on the accuser’s statements, saying she was “talking crazy” that night. When told of the latest allegation, Roberts said she wasn’t surprised.

“Nothing surprises me when it comes to that Nifong guy,” said Roberts. “He’s just grasping at straws now because he knows his original case is dead in the water. He’s got no DNA evidence, no reliable testimony, and no credibility. Even the press is making fun of him. That's what happens when you charge someone with rape with no evidence to back it up and a cooky stripper like me as your main witness ”

Legal experts also predicted that Nifong’s latest allegations would not stand up in a court of law, and accused him of trying to deflect attention from the main rape case.

“Mr. Nifong should just drop the original rape case, drop the current one, and let these kids go on with their lives,” said ESPN legal analyst Roger Cossack. “No judge is going to take this stuff seriously. I mean, them raping him? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. He’s the prosecutor in their rape trial. He’s the last person they’d want to rape. Plus he's all old and frumpy looking. I mean come one. Those kids have better taste than that.”

Defense attorneys for the three accused players expressed outrage over news of the new charges, and immediately sent a letter to Nifong urging him to drop them along the original charges.

“I urge Mr. Nifong to do the decent thing, the honorable thing, and drop these ridiculous charges immediately,” said attorney Joseph Cheshire, who is representing one of the three players. “These young men need to go on with their lives. Just because they’re wealthy, white, male, preppy lacrosse players doesn’t mean their rapists. It just means they’re annoying. That’s not a crime, is it? Because if it was, half the people involved in this case would be behind bars.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - This article is satire and is not intended as actual news. Do not reprint without permission.