Date Unnerved By Vast Collection Of Miniature Golf Trophies

ROCHESTER, NY--Sandra Peevey, 31, was reportedly “unnerved” by her date’s vast collection of miniature golf trophies last Saturday night. Peevey and date Tom Landay went out for dinner and drinks before returning home to his apartment in downtown Rochester, where Landay showed Peevey his "trophy room." What’s worse, Landay was actually proud of his miniature golf success.

“He was totally bragging about them,” said Peevey. “He was like ‘Yea, I’m pretty much the best player down at the Rochester Putt-Putt.’ And then he went on to tell me how he’s traveled to other Putt-Putts, like the one in Schenectady, and totally kicked everyone’s ass. Needless to say, I called an audible on my plan to sleep over.”

Landay described the significance of the trophies, wistfully recalling how he captured each one.

“I got this one in the weekly tournament about a year ago today,” Landay told Peevey, holding a smallish plastic trophy. “It’s significant because I beat out Larry Belvy who’s like, my arch rival. We have a Red Sox-Yankees type thing going, and it’s always a battle between us.”

“This one right here is my baby, though,” he continued, hoisting the largest trophy in the collection. “Club championship, 2001. Yes. Thank you very much. I kicked ass that night. Everyone thought I would come in third or fourth because I had a pretty weak year, but I totally rose to the occasion. The great ones always do.”

Despite his impressive array of hard earned accolades, Landay’s date was unimpressed. In fact, she was more than unimpressed. She was horrified.

“I think I would’ve been OK with it if he wasn’t so damn proud of himself,” she said. “I know everyone needs a hobby and sometimes guys get caught up in these silly sports, but this isn’t it hobby. It’s his life.”

Peevey, who is 31, said she is not particularly picky but still has some standards.

“I realize at my age that I’m not going to find a guy with absolutely no baggage,” she said. “Hell, I even have a little baggage myself. But this is more than baggage. It’s stupid and embarrassing. Why can’t he just have bipolar disorder like my last boyfriend?”

After showing Peevey the trophy room, the couple sat down to watch television. Unfortunately, Landay could not get off the subject of his miniature golf conquests.

Said Peevey: “We were watching Seinfeld and all of a sudden he just blurts out ‘Man, I’ve had some pretty wild times down at P-squared.’ He was lost in reverie, like a retired general recalling the battlefield. Then he started telling me about the time he was down ten strokes going into the last course and he came back and won. Then he told me how he aced the hardest hole on the course, and nobody else has ever aced that hole, and so on. Then he said, and I’m not making this up, ‘Yea, if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s been a great run.’ Then he put his arm around me. It sent a chill down my spine. It’s amazing how unattractive a guy can become when you find out he’s a miniature golf fanatic.”

Soon after Landay placed his arm around Peevey’s shoulder, Peevey left. Her sudden departure made Landay wonder what exactly went wrong.

“I don’t get it. Dinner was great. We had a few drinks and that went really well, too,” said Landay. “Then we came back here and I gave her the tour. I even showed her my Putt-Putt trophies, which I thought would really seal the deal, but it had, like, no effect whatsoever. Then during Seinfeld she got up and left. Maybe it’s my cologne. Or maybe she was just tired. Oh well. I guess it’s a Cinemax erotic thriller for me tonight.”

The next day, Landay left a voice mail for Peevey that went unanswered. Peevey says she has no intention of returning the call.

“Oh, I’m not calling him back. No chance,” she said. “You should’ve heard the voice mail he left me. He told me he’d like to take me down to Putt-Putt and teach me how to play. He was talking like it would be some big exciting honor. He was like ‘Hey, I’ll teach you to play putt-putt. Don’t worry. It’s not that hard. You’ll get the hang of it.’ Needless to say, that’s the last I’ll ever talk to him. Not that he’s an asshole or anything, it’s just that I’d like a guy that’s a little bit less of a dipshit, and has about twenty less miniature golf trophies.”