SOUTH BEND, IN--Officials at University of Notre Dame have decided to break ties with Jesus Christ, following a viewing of the hit movie The Da Vinci Code. The controversial film alleges that, among other things, Christ had a secret marriage with Mary Magdalene and that he was not, in fact, the son of God.

“It appears that we have been fooled all along,” read a statement released today by the Rev. John Jenkins, President of Notre Dame. “We always believed that Christ was the Son of Man, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, but after seeing The Da Vinci Code we are convinced that it was all a lie. Jesus was actually married to that hooker, Mary Magdalene. Thank you, Ron Howard, for showing us the truth. Loved you in Happy Days.”

The school’s first act of breaking ties with Jesus will be the removal of the famed “Touchdown Jesus” mural which looms over Notre Dame Stadium. Rev Jenkins said it was “a difficult thing to do” but he was confident it was the right decision.

“Touchdown Jesus has loomed over our football stadium for many years, and it is with great regret that I have decided to remove it,” he said. “It will be replaced by a painting of a vaguely God-like figure with a white beard and a long, flowing robe. As far as we know God is still God. If it’s any consolation, Touchdown Jesus was never much help to us anyway. I actually started to lose faith when we lost 8 bowl games in a row.”

The Da Vinci Code is based on a novel of the same name by Dan Brown. The book alleges that Jesus is not the Son of God, but rather an ordinary prophet who was deified by the Catholic Church as a political maneuver. It also alleges that clues about the cover-up are planted in the Da Vinci paintings, the Mona Lisa and The Last Supper.

“I used to think that the Mona Lisa was just a painting of some lady that Leonardo Da Vinci knew,” said Thomas Burish, provost of Notre Dame. “But after viewing that movie, I now know that it contains secrets to the true origins of Christ. The information is startling and potentially dangerous, and I believe I’m probably going to be targeted by the Catholic Church for the things I know. We all are. Those Opus Dei people are relentless.”

Burish then elaborated on the facts contained in The Da Vinci Code.

“Here are the facts as we know them,” he said. “That Constantine guy conspired to deify Christ. Constantine personally selected the books of the New Testament. The Gnostic gospels were banned to suppress women. Jesus and Mary Magdalene had a kid. And last but not least, Jesus was a kooky, pathological liar. Sound far fetched? Check out the movie if you don’t believe me.”

The breaking of ties with Jesus marks a new era for Notre Dame University, and not everyone at the school is welcoming the changes. Charlie Weis, head coach of the Fighting Irish, said he will miss Touchdown Jesus and the school’s association with the biblical figure.

“It’s a little bit disappointing to hear that we’re going to break ties with Jesus,” said Weis. “He’s somebody that I’ve admired all my life. And now this movie comes out and all of a sudden we’re disassociating ourselves? I think that’s a little hasty. What the hell does Dan Brown know anyway? Who the hell is Dan Brown? And Ron Howard - he hasn’t had a decent movie since Splash. Now that's a movie. I never even knew mermaids were real until I saw that one.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.