HOUSTON--According to a report in today’s Houston Chronicle, Roger Clemens is nearing a decision on whether to return to baseball this season, and has already narrowed it down to three teams: Boston, New York, and Houston. The main factors in his decision will be money and the willingness of the team to accommodate his schedule. In addition, Clemens is looking for a comfortable place to begin his long overdue decline.

“There are three teams right now that I would really like to play for,” Clemens told the Chronicle. “Each team presents its own set of pros and cons. But where is the best place to begin my inevitable decline? I’m not sure yet. Wherever it is, they’ll be paying a lot of money to watch a once-great pitcher fall apart. Hell, I probably would have shit the bed years ago if it wasn’t for the performance enhancing…um…tapes I’ve been watching. Performance enhancing tapes. They can really help you spot flaws in your delivery.”

One factor in Clemens’ decision may the signing of Andy Pettitte to a one-year deal with the Yankees. Clemens is close friends with Pettitte and would love to join him for one final pennant race.

“Playing with Andy again would be nice,” said Clemens. “He’s a guy with a strong work ethic who really respects the game. Plus his skills are diminishing, too, so I would have somebody to commiserate with when my ERA soars into Randy Johnson territory. Don’t think it can happen? I’m 44 years old. At some point my talent has to erode, and when it starts, it will go quickly. But don’t tell the Yankees or the Red Sox or the Astros. Actually, tell them. Who cares? They’d pay me $20 million to wave to the fans every fifth day.”

Clemens started nine games for the Houston Astros last year, compiling a sterling 2.30 ERA. Many believe he can carry a loaded team, like the Yankees or Red Sox, to the World Series.

Despite the appeal of Boston and New York, the Astros still believe they are the front runner to land Clemens services.

“Do I think he’ll play here? Yes, I do,” said GM Tim Purpura. “I think Roger enjoys playing close to home, I think he likes what we’ve done with the team, and I think he feels a bit of loyalty towards us. Also, I don’t think his skills are fading. He looked pretty damn good last year. He was our best player. Also, he’ll get better run support now because we signed Carlos Lee, that fat dude who hits all the home runs.”

Purpura said that as always, the Astros are willing to accommodate Clemens unique schedule.

“Oh sure, what the hell. He can leave between innings to go play with his kids, he can only start against teams that begin with the letter ‘C,’ he can take a goddamn Segway to the mound at the top of each inning – we don’t really care. All we want is to see him retire in an Astros uniform, so we can proudly say that the Houston Astros organization was the highest bidder for his services.”

Clemens’ agent, Randy Hendricks, distanced himself from his client’s comments about his “inevitable decline.” Instead, he pointed out that Clemens still has command of all his pitches and is in better shape than most of his younger peers.

“Don’t listen to Roger. He’s not declining,” Hendricks said. “He’s still as good as he ever was. In fact, in some ways he’s better. Remember, age is only a number. The only true measure of a player's worth is his salary. So the more money you pay him, the better he’ll be. Don’t laugh. That statement is engraved on a plaque in George Steinbrenner's office.”

Hendricks also said that Clemens wouldn’t return until after the all-star break, so he can at least get halfway through August before he turns into Sidney Ponson.

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.