Defender Can’t Stop Laughing At Latrell Sprewell’s Hair

LOS ANGELES, CA--The Lakers Lamar Odom had a difficult time defending Latrell Sprewell during Monday night’s game against the Timberwolves. Though Sprewell is a quick, crafty offensive player, the main reason for Odom’s struggles was his inability to stop laughing at his opponent’s hair.

“Holy shit, have you seen that guy’s hair?” Odom asked reporters after the game. “Man, I couldn’t keep a straight face the entire game. Every time I’d look up at the guy I would burst out laughing. That’s not fair. How am I supposed to defend somebody like that? The league should make him get a less ridiculous haircut, before he goes out and drops 65 on someone.”

Sprewell often wears his hair in pigtails while on the basketball court as a way to keep his braids out of his eyes. Though the style is utterly hilarious, Sprewell insists that it’s not some kind of joke.

“What’s so funny? Why’s everyone laughing at me?” asked Sprewell at a postgame press conference. “What? Is it my hair? For your information, I have to put my hair in pigtails in order to prevent my braids from dangling in my eyes while I’m playing. My hair is almost as high maintenance as I am.”

Sprewell’s scoring has been up lately, and many around the league are crediting his hair, which has become a distraction for opposing players. Odom found out first hand just how distracting it can be, and is warning other defenders to try and block it out.

“I know it’s hard to do, but don’t look at his face. Defend from the neck down,” said Odom. “That’s how you can contain ‘Spre. The minute you look up, you’re gonna see his pigtails bouncing around like a little schoolgirl and it’s going to set you off just like it did me. It’s just something about those pigtails, combined with that perpetual scowl on his face, that sends me into hysterics. Just thinking about it makes me laugh. But don’t tell him I said that though, OK? Pigtails or no pigtails, I could definitely see the guy killing someone one of these days.”

Perhaps the funniest moment of the season came Friday night when the Timberwolves played the Denver Nuggets. After a fight between the Nuggets' Nene and Minnesota’s Michael Olowokandi, Sprewell engaged in some bitter trash talking with the hostile Denver crowd. The glowering, barking Sprewell may have been an intimidating figure if not for the two tufts of hair springing playfully from the sides of his head.

“Fuck you, motherfucker!” shouted Sprewell to the Pepsi Center crowd. “That’s right, bitch, I’m talkin to you. Suck my dick! What’d you say, motherfucker? Huh? What’s so funny? No, seriously, what’s so funny? I don’t get it. Did I miss something? You know, you people are really rude.”

“Hey, look! Pippi Longstocking is swearing at us!” yelled one fan, seated courtside. “Oooo, please don’t hurt us, Pippi! We’re sorry for laughing at you. Quick, someone give me a beer so I can throw it on this son of a bitch. I’d pay anything to see him charging into the stands with those stupid pigtails flopping around.”

The pigtails may be a joke to some, but others are demanding Sprewell remove them immediately. While it is uncommon for the league to dictate its players’ hairstyles, Commissioner David Stern is investigating the matter to determine if they are indeed a distraction to defenders.

Billy Hunter, head of the players union, called charges that Sprewell’s hair is a distraction “outrageous.”

“This is America . People can wear their hair however they want,” said Hunter. “I’m sure the commissioner has more important things to do than worry about what players are wearing or how they do their hair. Latrell Sprewell is an individual, and so are all these gentlemen who wish to wear their hair in braids and pigtails. If you ask me, I think Latrell is trying to be a role model for all the young schoolgirls out there. Girls, if you work hard, study, behave yourselves and get good grades, you too can be an NBA star. Although if you’re working hard and studying than you probably have loftier goals than to emulate Latrell Sprewell.”