Die-Hard Yankee Fan Psyched To Have Lou Gehrig’s Disease

WHITE PLAINS, NY--Carl Keane, a die-hard Yankee fan for over thirty years, was reportedly “psyched” upon being diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), otherwise known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. The 29-year-old tax accountant from White Plains learned of his ailment earlier this month, after several weeks of persistent muscle stiffness and chronic fatigue. Doctors ran a battery of tests and concluded that Keane suffered the same affliction as Yankee legend Lou Gehrig.

“Wow, of all the maladies to be afflicted with, Lou Gehrig’s disease is definitely on the top of my list,” said Keane, speaking slowly and deliberately. “I know the life expectancy isn’t long, but to be in the company of someone like Lou Gehrig means more than having my health. Now I feel like a true Yankee.”

He added: “You know, a lot of people say I got a bad break. But today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”

Keane has been a fan of the Bronx Bombers since he attended his first game at the age of 8. On that day, Yankee great Don Mattingly autographed his baseball glove, making little Carl a fan for life. The highlight of his career as Yankee superfan came when he was able to take a tour of The Stadium and visit historic Monument Park. It was then that he touched the monuments of several Yankee legends, including his favorite, Lou Gehrig.

“I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was my 16th birthday and my dad bought two tickets to a Yankee stadium tour,” said Keane. “I walked through monument park feeling like I was walking amongst the ghosts of baseball past. Then I got to Gehrig, the Iron Horse, and I stood in front of it while my dad took a picture. I still have that picture today. I love old Lou, and I love my Yankees, so getting Lou Gehrig’s disease is an honor, despite the crippling muscle atrophy and loss of motor skills.”

Now that he has the world-famous disease, Keane is the envy of his friends and neighbors. He constantly entertains visitors, who want to know what it’s like to suffer from the same disease as the Iron Horse.
Jay Bentley, Keane’s life-long friend, said he is “totally jealous” of his friend’s new ailment.

“Me and Keane are the two biggest Yankee fans in the world, man,” said Bentley, 30. “We’ve been to dozens of games, we’ve met Jeter, O’Neill, and Bernie Williams. We have every piece of Yankee merchandise and memorabilia you can imagine. But now Carl has the ultimate piece of Yankee merchandise: Lou Gehrig's disease. Lucky bastard. I’m just surprised that Steinbrenner hasn’t trademarked the name yet, and forced Carl to pay up. Obviously, the guy has a bigger heart than people think.”

Keane’s girlfriend, Sarah Welch, said their relationship was “cooling off” before he was diagnosed with ALS. But now it’s hotter than ever.

“This is the best thing that ever happened to Carl, and to our relationship,” she said. “For a while I was starting to get kind of sick of him, because he was always so dull and uninteresting. But when he got Lou Gehrig’s disease, I was like ‘Wow, that’s so awesome. It’s just like dating a Yankee legend.’ Seriously, for die-hard Yankee fans like us, it’s a dream come true.”

Keane is still in the early stages of the illustrious disease, experiencing only muscle pain, some dizziness, and mild speech problems. But he is eagerly anticipating the day when he suffers the same crippling effects of his idol, Lou Gehrig.

“When I get to the point where I feel really weak and have to be helped around, then I’ll really feel like a true Yankee,” he said. “Maybe I’ll even make a big speech or something, just to family and friends, about what a great life I’ve had and all that. Eventually I’ll become paralyzed and require stomach surgery to be able to take in solid foods. That’s not so much fun, but it’s worth it. I just have one concern. When I die, I want them to write ‘Lou Gehrig’s Disease’ on my death certificate, not ‘Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis.’ I want everyone to know I had the same disease as a Yankee legend. My God, just saying it gives me chills.”

Keane’s family was distressed upon hearing that he was diagnosed with a fatal nerve disorder. But when the doctor explained that it was Lou Gehrig’s disease, that distress turned to pride. All the members of Keane's family are card-carrying Yankee fanatics and consider it an honor to have their son crippled by a disease made famous by a Bronx Bomber.

“When the doctor told me he had ALS, and probably would only live another few years, I was devastated,” said Carl Keane Sr. “We all were, of course. But then the doctor clarified for me. He said ‘It’s also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.’ Well, that dried my tears right up. Imagine, a son of mine coming down with a disease like that. And to think I always told him he wouldn’t amount to anything.”

One family member who isn’t thrilled with the news is Carl’s first cousin, Ray Keane. Ray lives in Boston and is a (gasp) loyal Red Sox fan. As if the Yankees defeating the Sox last year wasn’t enough, now Carl has something else to brag about.

“Man, these Yankee fans have it pretty good,” said Ray. “They always win, they have the best players, and they even have their own disease. When I first heard about the diagnosis, I didn’t even want to call him, because I knew he would just be bragging about it, just like he brags about everything else. I still can’t believe that bastard got Lou Gehrig’s disease. I guess it’s true that the rich keep getting richer.”

Keane even has his funeral planned out. He said he wants to “go out like a Yankee”, and has given his family explicit orders to carry out after his death.

“Well, I would love Ronan Tynan to sing the national anthem at my funeral,” said Keane. “And I also would like it to be held at Yankee stadium in front of a crowd of A-List Hollywood celebrities. Then I would like my ashes scattered over the field so I can be another Yankee stadium ghost. Is that all too much to ask? I don’t think so. Not for a true Yankee like myself.”