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FOXBORO, MA--Quarterback Tom Brady recently became a father, and the momentous event could not have come at a worse time for the New England Patriots. The Pats are favored to win their fourth Super Bowl this year and everyone is counting on Brady to maintain a laser-like focus on the task at hand.

Will his new son, Jonathan, get in the way of that goal? Not a chance, says Brady.

“My kid is not going to be a distraction this season,” Brady told reporters on Monday. “We are on the precipice of what could be a wonderful season and I am not going to let Jonathan divert my attention away from that. I always say that football comes first, training for football comes second, watching film of opposing defenses comes third, and dating comes fourth. I’ll have plenty of time for family when I retire, provided I don’t get a coaching or broadcasting job.”

To clarify, Brady did say he was thrilled to be a dad.

“Hey, there’s nothing like the feeling of seeing that kid for the first time,” he said. “It changes your whole life. I’m a dad now. At the same time, this isn’t all about me. A lot of my teammates are dads too. You have to set that stuff aside during the season. Coach always says ‘Leave your problems, babies, and God at the door,' which is great advice. That’s why after this I won’t even answer questions about my son – not even from his mother. Sorry, lady, but unless that kid spots a flaw in my mechanics, I don’t want to hear about him.”

So far this preseason, Brady has looked sharp, focused, and poised, despite having to leave temporarily to attend the birth of his son. Even then, he was thinking about the game while he and quarterback coach Josh McDaniels sat in the lobby of the hospital.

“I wasn’t surprised at all when Tom invited me to the hospital,” said McDaniels. “That’s just how he is. We spent the whole time hanging out in the lobby talking about different formations and different defenses and stuff. At one point I was actually bent over like a center and he was behind me barking out signals. The guy just never stops working! Then a nurse came out and said the baby was born, so Tom peeked into the room and said hello, and then Bridget held out the baby for him and he was like ‘Cute!’ and then we took off.”

Brady’s teammates and coaches have been impressed by his focus and have never been more confident going into a season.

“Wow, he really leads by example,” said wide receiver Wes Welker. “I mean, to completely isolate yourself from your own child during the season is an incredible sacrifice. When you see that, you’re inspired to make sacrifices yourself. That’s why I’m not speaking to my wife at all this season. I’m sticking strictly to groupies and hookers. I’m not even associating with my cat. I stashed her in a cardboard box in my attic for the season.”

The Patriots open the season Sunday against the New York Jets, and Brady is already treating it like the biggest game of the season.

“The first game is the biggest game of the season,” he said. “Then after that, the next game is the biggest game of the season, and so on. We cannot open the season with a loss to the Jets. Those guys are our rivals and I hate them. That is why I am taking such pains to avoid all distractions. I will not lose focus. Nothing will take my mind off the task at – ooh, Gisele’s texting me. Gotta go!”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

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Tom Brady Vows Not To Let Baby Be Distraction

August 28 , 2007 Volume 2 Issue 109
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