Clemens Days Away From Much Anticipated Return To Disabled List

NEW YORK--After four rehab starts in Triple A, Yankees pitcher Roger Clemens says he is just days away from his much anticipated return to the New York Yankees disabled list. A recent MRI showed a scar tissue injury in his groin area, an issue which should get much worse once he takes the mound against major league hitters.

“I think I am definitely only a few days away,” Clemens told reporters on Monday. “The last game I pitched I felt a little twinge down in my groin area, where I’ve had some injury problems before. While they say it’s only some minor scar tissue problems, it doesn’t bode well for the rest of the season. I am 44-years-old, which means I am already more prone to injury than other players. Because of this, I am extremely confident that I can return, once again, to the disabled list that was so kind to me in 2002.”

Clemens hopes to stay on the DL for at least 15 days before attempting to return to the mound, at which point he will pitch an average of five innings per start.

“15 days sounds about right,” he said. “I need to be totally rested, because when I come back, I’m going full bore, five innings per start. That should give our tired bullpen a nice rest before they have to come in and pitch half a game. Of course, those five innings per start for the next two months or so isn’t going to be enough, in and of itself, to win us a World Series. I hope people realize that. I don’t want everyone getting all excited.”

Clemens will join fellow Yankee pitchers Carl Pavano, Philip Hughes, and Darrell Rasner on the disabled list. He hopes to meet with Hughes and Rasner, two youngsters, and mentor them on how to stay healthy well into your 40’s.

“I’m looking forward to meeting some of the guys,” Clemens said. “I’m sure Phillip Hughes is pretty discouraged about being on the DL during his rookie season, but I’ll let him know that it’s just a blip on the radar screen. He, too, can have a long and fruitful career in the major leagues if he just takes care of his body and utilizes proper mechanics. By the time he’s 40 like me he'll just need to walk into the clubhouse with a steely-eyed gaze and everybody will be like ‘we’re winners!’ And he can dictate the terms of his contract too. You’d be amazed at what these freaks let you get away with.”

While Clemens is gearing up for a return to the DL, the Yankees’ brass has different ideas. Both Brian Cashman and Joe Torre have stated that Clemens will return to the mound on Saturday against the Pirates, and that his “fatigued groin” was not a serious problem.

On Tuesday, Torre shook off Clemens’ remarks and said he was in good health.

“Roger is feeling good and ready to go,” Torre told reporters today. “He’s looking forward to joining the team and helping us turn things around. I wouldn’t put too much stock in what he says about his groin. He’s probably just trying to create drama so when he makes his triumphant return to the mound it will be all the more awesome. Mark my words: Roger Clemens WILL make a start Friday, after which he’ll probably be airlifted to the emergency room to have his groin removed.”

While some may question the wisdom of relying on a 44-year-old pitcher to resurrect a struggling ball club, the Yankees feel that they have few other options. They also point to the fact that Clemens had the lowest ERA in the National League last season at the age of 43.

“The guy can still pitch. I don’t care how old he is,” said GM Brian Cashman. “What other options do we have anyway? Our pitching staff is a giant pile of shit. Only Andy Pettitte is pulling his weight, and he’s bound to break down soon enough. So this is all we can do, other than let the team torpedo to the bottom of the standings, which they might actually do anyway. But at least we’ll have some famous people on the team while it’s happening.”

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