Dolphins Hoping Ricky Williams Gets Tired Of Having Fun

MIAMI--The Miami Dolphins, stunned by the departure of their star running back, still have not given up hope that Ricky Williams will eventually have a change of heart. Though the eccentric tailback has decided to abandon football in order travel to exotic locales, tour with Lenny Kravitz, and smoke marijuana, the team is hoping that Williams will get tired of having fun and return to the grind of the NFL season.

“All that stuff sounds like a lot of fun,” said Coach Dave Wannstedt. “But there’s nothing like coming to the ol’ training camp facility, sweating like a pig, getting pummeled by linebackers, and then being swarmed by media. I’m sure Ricky will think about that while he’s doing bong hits in Tahiti.”

If Williams were to change his mind, the Dolphins would welcome him back with open arms. Despite failing three drug tests and filing retirement papers with the league, the fins would surely find some way to get their superstar back into the lineup.

“We’ll get him in there if he wants to come back,” said Wannstedt. “I’m not concerned about the failed drug tests or the masking agent. That’s his business. All these guys are smoking weed. It’s just that they’re not crazy enough to go out and try to broaden their horizons. That’s insane.”

Williams’ teammates were equally shocked by his departure. Defensive end Jason Taylor said he could not believe a person would choose to abandon the lifestyle of an NFL player.

“Today I sprained my ankle,” said Taylor, while sitting in the trainer’s room. “I also got a mild concussion after I collided with Zach [Thomas]. Then I fainted during our tackling drills because of the intense heat and humidity. Oh, and our defensive line coach called me a faggot after I tried to make an arm tackle. This is way, way better than having fun.“

Quarterback Jay Fiedler reveled in the thrill of being an NFL player on his first day of training camp, and scratched his head over Williams’ decision to go out and enjoy himself.

“What a nutcase,” said Fiedler. “He always was kind of a weirdo. Can you imagine being a single, good looking millionaire and not choosing to play in the NFL? That’s crazy. Today I hurt my thumb when I slammed against a defender’s helmet. Now that’s football, baby. Oh, and then I was told that I had to compete for the starting job with [AJ] Feely, even though I’ve been here for years. Then, to top it all off, I had to run some wind sprints for not memorizing the new playbook. But that’s OK. I only have a few more years of this torment left. Maybe I’ll die on the field, or suffer a crippling injury. Don’t get me wrong. These are the things I love about playing football.”

“By the way,” he continued, “does anyone know the name of that masking agent?”

Those close to Williams point out the he has a history of erratic behavior, and that a return to the NFL would not surprise them. That is also the consensus among teammates, who believe that Williams will grow to miss the allure of NFL stardom and come back to the game he once loved.

“AHHHHHHH! No! Not there! That hurts!” yelled cornerback Sam Madison as a team doctor examined his knee. “My God, the pain! I can’t take it anymore. No, no, don’t touch that knee either. Jesus Christ, don’t you remember I fucked that one up last week? Oh, cruel fate how you mock me! There is no God! God is dead! Anyway…what were you asking me? Oh yea, I think Ricky will definitely be back. He can’t stay away from this.”

Another famous running back that retired early, Barry Sanders, said the reasons for a player’s decision to leave the game are complex and unique, and that nobody can know for sure what Williams is thinking.

“Retiring from the NFL is something that can be very tempting,” said Sanders. “When you’ve got all that money and you’re set for life, the tendency is to think about life beyond the game. The possibilities are endless for someone like Ricky. He’s got millions of dollars, he has lots of hip, famous friends, and he has access to the best weed money can buy. I can’t tell you exactly what he’s thinking, but it’s probably something along the lines of ‘Get me the fuck out of here.’”

Williams has been unavailable for comment since his initial announcement, though he was seen house-hunting in Martha’s Vineyard three days ago. He agent, Leigh Steinberg, told reporters they shouldn’t expect to talk to him anytime soon.

“Last time I talked to him was Friday night. He was in Shanghai, sitting in a hot tub, smoking pure Humboldt County kind bud with about half a dozen teenage prostitutes,” said Steinberg. “I’m pretty sure I heard Bob Marley playing in the background, and there was lots of yelling and screaming and laughing. Ricky told me he was doing great, and that he wasn’t planning on returning to the NFL ever. Then some girl grabbed the phone, told me Ricky was ‘tied up at the moment,’ and the line went dead. So there you go. It sounded like he was having the time of his life. I mean, that sounded really, really fun. In fact, as of today, I’m officially announcing my retirement. Goodbye, NFL.”