MIAMI--Marlins pitcher Dontrelle Willis confessed today to being jealous of teammate Jason Vargas, who was recently demoted to Triple A Albuquerque. The Isotopes are currently leading their division in the Pacific Coast League.

“Wow, first place. I wonder what that’s like,” said Willis, who is 2-6 with a 4.72 ERA this season. “It must be something to go into every game as the team to beat. I hear their attendance is pretty good, too. Oh well, the grass is always greener on the other side, I guess. Actually our grass here is perfectly green, it’s just that the players on top of it aren’t every good.”

The Marlins, who won the World Series in 2003, held a fire sale in the offseason, keeping only Willis and third baseman Miguel Cabrera and filling out the rest of the roster with minor league prospects. The result is a talented but inexperienced club that has little chance to compete for a playoff spot this year.

“It was a tough offseason for me because I was forced to watch all my friends get traded or sign with other teams,” Willis said. “They really purged the roster. Right now we’re basically a Triple A team. It’s exciting in a way to see all this young talent, but it’s also a little hopeless, too, because we are just not ready for prime time. That’s why I’m a little jealous of Jason. We both play on Triple A teams, but his is actually pretty good.”

The Marlins have never been able to generate much fan interest in South Florida, even during their most successful seasons, so ownership is attempting to build a new ballpark to spur ticket sales. If the city doesn’t approve, the Marlins could be relocated to another market.

Willis admitted that the team’s uncertain future often weighs on his mind.

“We really don’t know where we’re going to end up,” he said. “I’m still holding out hope that we get the stadium deal approved and can stay here. If we don’t get the stadium deal approved it will probably be best for us to leave. Portland, Charlotte, Norfolk – any of those places would be fine. I just want to go somewhere and settle down. How about Montreal? I bet those people would love a pro baseball team.”

Several teams around the majors have contacted the Marlins about acquiring Willis in a trade. The team has repeatedly stated that he’s not available, but that could just be a ploy to drive up his price tag.

“We’re not trading Dontrelle,” said GM Larry Beinfest. “He’s too valuable to this team. We kept him around here for a reason, and that’s to anchor our staff for years to come. Sorry Yankees, Dodgers, Brewers, Angels, and whoever else was thinking about acquiring him. He’s not available. He’s the cornerstone of our franchise. In fact, the only possible way he could ever be traded is if we win another World Series. At that point, obviously, we would want to get rid of all our players.”

For his part, Willis knows he will probably be with the Marlins for the duration of the season and will not complain to management or ask for a trade. All that’s left for him to do is make the best of his situation while watching his teammates get shuttled back and forth between the minor leagues and the big club.

“Franklyn German was designated for assignment last week,” Willis said. “Designated for assignment. Designated for assignment. That has such a nice ring to it. It’s mysterious, yet full of possibility. What will the assignment be? Will it be Albuquerque or some other minor league affiliate? I just can’t imagine the excitement and wonder of being demoted and not knowing where you’re going to end up. Me? I know where I’m going to end up. Every fifth day I’m going to marched out to that mound to try and win ball games, while my buddies are living it up in the farm leagues. Sorry if I seem bitter, but I just can’t seem to catch a break in this game.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.