Planet Still Doomed Regardless Of Who Wins Heisman

NEW YORK--Just weeks before the start of the 2006 college football season, the nation is abuzz over which player will win the coveted Heisman trophy. Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn is the current favorite, with Oklahoma tailback Adrian Peterson and Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith also in the running.

It’s sure to be an exciting race but ultimately a meaningless one, according to the Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS), a Washington-based think tank, which says that the planet is doomed regardless of who wins the Heisman.

“The Heisman trophy race is extremely exciting and should come down to the wire this year,” reported CSIS senior fellow Charles Albertson. “The result will be greeted with fanfare and jubilation. Despite all that, the planet, regrettably, is still doomed. Mankind is destined to be killed off by war, famine, climate instability, asteroids, or all of the above. As a species, we are essentially finished. Sorry to be a wet towel.”

The CSIS did determine, however, that there was no harm in enjoying a pleasant diversion from the cold reality of our impending doom.

“There isn’t anything wrong with enjoying this,” wrote Albertson. “It’s human nature to seek diversion in athletic pursuits, and it’s much better than having to confront the terrifying truth of what lies ahead us. Hence, we are predicting Ted Ginn Jr to win the Heisman. He sucked last year but he’s way better than that overrated turd Brady Quinn.”

The report explained in stark detail the horrible fate that awaits humanity, from the threat of nuclear war to the inevitable melting of the polar ice caps to the possibility of a super virus that could wipe out all of humanity in a matter of months. What’s worse, it determined that we have passed a “point of no return” and are powerless to stop any of these things from happening.

The report dampened the spirits of some college football fans across the country, who were giddily excited about the upcoming season.

“Well I was kinda excited this morning but that really took the wind out of my sails,” said Greg Pendelton, 19, a student at Ohio State who was eagerly anticipating the Buckeyes season opener on September 2. “That’s some scary stuff they were talking about in that report. The end of the world, the extermination of humanity, asteroids - all that stuff makes me sick to my stomach. I guess the best thing to do is try not to think about it. I’ll probably be dead by then anyway. Now there’s something to root for: being dead before the world ends. Great. ”

Other fans are taking a different approach and ignoring the CSIS’s findings.

“Ah, that’s all b.s.,” said Chris Raynes, owner of the popular blog South Bend Saturday. “Those people are just being alarmist. The planet will be fine. That stuff isn’t really going to happen, is it? Is it? Because if it is, I’ve really got to rearrange my priorities from giving a crap about who wins some stupid trophy to getting laid as much as possible.”

Psychologists say that people rarely have the courage or desire to deal with issues as complex as the complete destruction of humanity. Instead, we attach grave significance to trivial matters like sports and gossip in order to fool ourselves into thinking they're important. In the end, we’re all doomed one way or the other.

“It doesn’t matter if you choose to dwell on it or you choose to divert yourself, because the situation is out of our hands now,” Albertson noted in the conclusion of the study. “Any day, any minute, we could be beset by plagues, locusts, space debris, poisonous frogs or giant super-hurricanes. It could happen during the Heisman ceremony. Imagine Ted Ginn or Troy Smith's hand sticking out from the floodwaters grasping the Heisman trophy? It could happen. I hope it does, actually. I’d hate to see the final Heisman in the hands of some jerk from Notre Dame. Talk about a chilling vision of the future.”

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