Dream Job Winner Given Coloring Book To Keep Him Busy

BRISTOL, CT--When Mike Hall was chosen as the winner of the ESPN reality show Dream Job, he expected his life to change drastically. The newest anchor was prepared for long hours, hard work, and national exposure on the popular show Sportscenter.

Instead, the 21-year old Hall has been given odd jobs around the office to earn his salary. Whether it’s getting coffee for Stuart Scott, waxing Dan Patrick’s Bentley, or running errands for Linda Cohen, Hall has proved himself a hard worker who is eager to please. But when it comes time to tape Sportscenter, Hall is sent away to the green room and given a coloring book to keep him busy.

“Mike has been a great addition to the ESPN staff. We’re thrilled to have him on board,” said producer Carol Silver. “He’ll be getting a chance to shine on television before long, but right now we just have to keep him out of the way. That’s why we gave him that great Frosty the Snowman coloring book. It might be a little out of season, but it should keep him busy for a while.”

Though most television viewers believed Hall would be a regular on Sportscenter following Dream Job, Silver insists that was not the case.

“Dream Job was designed to get ratings. It’s not like we were strapped for anchors and desperately needed to find a new one,” she said. “Mike’s gonna be a good sportscaster someday, but for now we just need to keep him out of the way. Hey, Hall! I said half and half, not milk! Get your ass back to Krispy Kreme! Anyway, he’s a nice kid.”

Other ESPN anchors have had high praise for Hall’s performance on the job thus far. The youngster has won the respect of luminaries like Stuart Scott, Trey Wingo, and Kenny Mayne. They have praised his hustle, his determination, and his ability to color.

“The kid’s something special, I’ll tell you that,” said Wingo. “He’s got an easy going personality that people just love. He never complains, even when I ask him to go down to Bridgeport and pick up some weed. And don’t discount the coloring thing. I know a lot of people poo-poo that kind of stuff, but a lot goes into it. It’s also good for hand-eye coordination, which is essential for any Sportscenter anchor.”

Hall’s family and friends, who expected him to be the next Dan Patrick or Chris Berman, claim they have not heard from him since he moved to Bristol for his new job. ESPN officials have reassured the Hall family that Mike is doing fine and hasn’t phoned simply because he is too busy at his new job. But the family suspects something else may be going on.

“Every time I call his cell phone, that Carol Silver woman answers,” said Melanie Hall, Mike’s mom. “She keeps telling me he’s ‘indisposed’ and that he’ll call back, but he never does. And this one time he sent me a postcard, but nearly every word was blacked out with magic marker. The only thing I could make out was ‘Dear Mom’ and ‘Love Mike’. Oh, and when I held it up to the light, I did make out the word ‘Help.’ I don’t know what the hell is going on over there, but I’m starting to get a little worried.”

Silver denied any wrongdoing, and said that the postcard was censored out of concern that sensitive information about ESPN could fall into the wrong hands.

“There was some very sensitive information in that postcard. It’s common practice for us to edit outgoing communication that contains content like that,” said Silver. “Mike’s new, and he didn’t realize how important it is for us to keep certain things contained. For instance, I bet America would love to know where our anchors get all their amazing catch phrases, how we pick our Top Ten Plays of the Week, and who chooses the Web Gems. These secrets are sacred to us and cannot be released to the general public. That’s why we censored that postcard. Really, that’s why. Trust me.”

As for Hall, the future anchor says he is not worried about his future. He will continue to pay his dues in hopes of becoming a part of Sportscenter’s all-star cast, but for now his main focus is on doing odd jobs and coloring.

“Ah, fuck me, I colored out of the lines again,” said a frustrated Hall. “Damn it. Why do they have to make Frosty’s buttons so small? I tell you, this has been a real challenge. It sort of reminds me of the first Karate Kid movie, when Mr. Miyagi is having Daniel wax his car and paint his fence and stuff, and Daniel can’t understand what’s going on. Well, before you know it, Daniel can do all these great karate moves. That’s how I feel about this whole process. Maybe all this coloring and running errands is supposed to be a way for me to develop the proper fundamentals to be a real ESPN anchor. I’m sure all the great ones went through the same thing. I’m sure of it. I’m absolutely, one hundred percent—Oh, shit. Here comes Carol. Don’t tell her I was talking to you, OK?”