DAYTON, OH--NCAA selection committee chairman Gary Walters held a conference call with reporters on Monday to discuss the selection process, the seedings, and the handful of deserving teams that didn’t make the final cut. Walters insisted the integrity of the selection process was intact despite complaints about the 65 team field. To his credit, he also tried really hard to give a shit about the omission of Drexel, some school in Pennsylvania.

“Yes, Drexel. We really labored over that decision,” Walters told the reporters. “You know, it’s a nice little school and they had a good year, but they did finish fourth in their league, so…we just decided not to include them. It hurt, though. We’re all losing sleep about it. Oh, the injustice! Anyway, are there any other questions? I have to go home and cry some more about Drexel, because my life is that pointless and empty.”

Walters was then asked if he really believed Purdue was a more deserving choice than Drexel.

“Do I think that? I don’t know. Sure, I must, or I wouldn’t have made that choice,” said a clearly bored Walters. “Look, I understand how upset the Drexelians are right now, and I totally get where they’re coming from, but what’s done is done. We can’t turn back the clock. We just have to pull ourselves together and try to enjoy the tournament. Just look at it this way: Drexel will be like the Ohio State of the NIT, except they have to actually go to class and they don’t get any hookers and stuff.”

Each year, the NCAA selection committee is forced to answer to angry schools who feel they have been cheated out of a spot in the tournament. This year, Drexel and Syracuse have been the most vocal about their omission, while several teams who did make the cut were upset about their seedings. But the most consistent complaint this year has been the snub of several “Mid Major” teams.

“A lot of people feel like there aren’t enough mid majors in the tourney this year,” said Walters. “But the fact is, a lot of the mid-majors didn’t deserve to make the cut. They just weren’t good enough. And while we’re on the subject, let me say a word about the Missouri Valley Conference: I’ve never heard of it. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t even ring a bell. I didn’t even know there was a valley in Missouri. So if your precious MVC team didn’t make the cut, blame yourselves for not alerting me to their existence. I'm not psychic, you know. ”

In regards to the Syracuse Orangemen, owners of a 22-10 record, being excluded from the tourney, Walters had this to say:

“A big time Division I program failed to get into the tournament for one year? Oh, cry me a river. Let me get out my hankie so I can wipe away these tears. Seriously, though, did Syracuse deserve to get in this year? Probably, I don’t know. It’s not like we studied every single team and crunched all the numbers like that guy in A Beautiful Mind. We just zipped through and picked the teams we liked. Who knew it was going to cause so much fuss?”

After the interview, Walters was criticized once again for his seeming indifference to the plight of bubble teams that failed to make the cut.

“It would be nice if that guy would at least pretend to care,” said Drexel head coach Bruiser Flint, who guided his team to a 23-8 record this year. “We worked our butts off to have a great season. Don’t we deserve to be taken seriously? I think we do. And I’ll tell you what: we’re coming back next year and we’re going to have an even better season, and we're going to get to the tourney and we're going to represent the...what conference are we in again? The Colonial Athletic Association? Jesus, no wonder why we didn't get in. Even I can't remember the name of it.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.