DURHAM, NC--Duke University is grappling with accusations that three members of its lacrosse team sexually assaulted a stripper at an off-campus party. The fact that the suspects are all white and the woman is black has complicated matters, and would probably have divided the campus along racial lines if the school wasn’t made up almost entirely of white people.

“This has been a tough few weeks for us,” said Peter Lange, Duke’s provost. “Thankfully there hasn’t been any racial violence or riots or anything like that. There’s not even any tension, really. We’re just a bunch of concerned, conscientious white people.”

Approximately nine percent of the Duke student body is African-American, a number so small that the recent rape controversy had no polarizing effect whatsoever on the campus.

“The campus isn’t racially polarized at all,” said Lange. “There are just too many people of the same race for that to happen. Not only that, the small black community here at Duke is pretty much in agreement with the whites that rape is wrong. They told me so the other day. We had a meeting in my office. Needless to say there were plenty of chairs.”

There have been several protests on the Duke campus, mostly consisting of white students either condemning or voicing their support for the lacrosse players. The campus is largely divided along two lines: Those who believe the charges, and those who are giving the players the benefit of the doubt. Both lines are white.

“I guess there is a division here on campus and it’s the division between who supports the suspects and who condemns them,” said 21-year-old grad student Meredith Swift. “It’s mostly white, though. It’s too bad, too, because there are always these media people running around here looking for signs of racial tension. Good luck with that, guys. I heard there was a fight between an Irish kid and an Italian kid the other day in the cafeteria, if you’re interested.”

Some of Duke’s African-American students staged a demonstration on campus the day after the allegations surfaced. Needless to say, it wasn’t exactly a mass protest.

“We wanted to get out there and get our voices heard. As African-American members of the Duke community, we felt it was our responsibility,” said Jason Richards, a junior who is black. “It went pretty well but it wasn’t exactly huge. There were six of us there. We chanted a few things and held up some signs, but we were eventually absorbed into the huge white anti-rape march that was moving through the campus. It was nice to see them protesting like that, but they did steal a little of our thunder.”

The Duke campus stands in stark contrast to the city of Durham, where there are a high percentage of African-Americans. The alleged rape victim was a student at North Carolina Central University, a historically black college just 3 miles from Duke. Consequently, the situation has become a lightning rod in the city of Durham – sort of.

“Even though there’s some friction right now, everybody is actually being pretty rational about the whole thing,” said Tyra Lowery, 19, a student at NCCU. “I think we’re supposed to be all racially divided now because according to the media, that’s what’s supposed to happen when something like this occurs. You have to follow that script. So we’ll follow it, I guess. It’s called a ‘self fulfilling prophecy.’ Yes, I am a psychology major.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.