Dwight Howard Abandons Christianity After First Blow Job

CHICAGO--NBA lottery prospect Dwight Howard has never been shy about expressing his faith. The 18-year-old phenom attended Southwest Atlanta Christian Academy since kindergarten, and had every intention of carrying his strong religious beliefs into the NBA. He’s been quoted as saying he wants to “speak to non-Christians” in the league, so that he can “get them saved or turn their lives around.”

Unfortunately, Howard has already succumbed to the temptations of NBA stardom. Just days after receiving his first blow job from a shapely NBA groupie, he has renounced his faith and declared himself a “playa for life.”

“Don’t be hatin on me just cuz I done renounced my faith,” said Howard, several large, gold chains dangling from around his neck. “It’s just that I’m an adult now, I’m a playa, and I see how it is. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I ain't cool with God, but I just realize there’s more to life that that, you know? Like blow jobs--lots of them, as is my understanding.”

Howard’s fall from grace has shocked his family and friends. Ever since he was a child, his faith has been unshakable. Nothing has mattered more than giving glory to God and spreading his gospel around the world. Now, he has turned to Satan.

“This is a real shock,” said Courtney Brooks, Howard’s coach at SACA. “Of all the people this could happen to, I never would have imagined Dwight being susceptible to this kind of temptation. I always taught him to stay away from women of loose morals, particularly those strippers and groupies who will do anything to bed the players. I just hope he realizes it’s not too late. God will accept him back into the flock if he begs for forgiveness. Nevertheless, we should probably stop him before he actually has sex. After that, it may be too late.”

According to witnesses, Howard’s fall began at roughly 7:30 PM at the Wyndham hotel in Chicago. After attending a pre-draft banquet at the hotel, Howard was talked into going to Crazy Horse Too, a popular Chicago strip club. After initially resisting the offer, Howard decided to attend, saying it would be a good opportunity to “save some souls.”

Once inside the club, Howard was taken aback by the pulsating music, strobing lights, and beautiful naked women. He considered leaving immediately, but remembered his holy mission to spread the word of God to the nation’s sinners.

“Dwight was a little nervous at first, but he decided to stick around to try and convert some of the girls to Christianity,” said Shaun Livingston, a Peoria High School student who is expected to be an NBA draft lottery pick. “I was like ‘That’s cool, man. Whatever you want to do.’ Luckily, the owner knew we were future NBA stars, so he let us drink. I bought my man Dwight a beer and that was that. After the first one, he wanted a second, then a third, and so on. Pretty soon he was standing on a barstool yelling ‘I denounce my religion! I no longer believe in eternal salvation! Now, goddamnit, somebody pour me another Salty Dog!’ And man, the pussy that was surrounding him. I think I’m really going to enjoy playing basketball for a living.”

Howard and Livingston stayed at the Crazy Horse until closing time. As the two were preparing to exit, club owner Gary Teague called them over to the bar, where he was standing with two dancers. He introduced them as Jade and Taylor and said they’d be willing to accompany the boys back to the hotel free of charge.

“It’s on me, boys,” Teague was reported as saying. “Just remember to come back when you’re big NBA stars and spend a few bucks.”

Just like that, Howard’s religious belief system was discarded like so much used furniture.

“That Gary Teague, he my motherfucker,” Howard said later. “The Lord says be charitable, and he gave us two perfectly good bitches for nothin. But that was just the beginning. After we got to the hotel and Miss Jade went down on me, I knew what my true calling was: Getting ridiculous amounts of head from hot strippers in hotel rooms. Uh…and being the best basketball player I can be.”

There has been some speculation that Howard’s moral breakdown will affect his standing in this week’s draft. One of his selling points has been his strong religious beliefs and rock-solid character. However, one NBA GM said that Howard’s recent downward spiral would have no effect on his lottery position.

“Oh my God! An NBA player getting blown by a stripper? Whatever shall we do?” said the GM, who asked not to be identified. “Is nothing sacred? We have truly lost our innocence. Pardon me while I jump off a building. Seriously, though—who really gives a shit? Did anybody really expect this kid’s faith to last five minutes in this sick fucking league? Tell you the truth, this might actually help him. A lot of people were a little freaked out by all the God stuff. Now that he’s a disgusting, depraved, sex addict, teams will be more willing to take a chance on him. Believe me, if NBA owners wanted players who were holy, they would stop giving out complimentary hookers with every signing bonus. That’s not public knowledge though, OK?. That’s off the record.”

Though Howard’s deconversion is making waves throughout the media, the high schooler insisted that it would have no effect on his basketball career.

“This isn’t gonna change me. I still have my work ethic and my skills,” said Howard. “I still wanna be a team player and shit. It’s just that now I’m going to be getting more blow jobs than before, that’s all. Way more. I’m going to make Shawn Kemp look like A.C. Green. I’m going to make Wilt Chamberlain look like Dick Cheney. I’m going to make Kobe Bryant look like…well, let’s not even go there.”