Delmon Young Bat-Throw Footage Inserted Seamlessly Into Sportscenter Intro

BRISTOL, CT-- On April 26th, the baseball world was shocked and saddened at the sight of Delmon Young, one of the top minor league prospect in America, throwing his bat at an umpire during a game against the Pawtucket Red Sox. Young was suspended indefinitely for the barbaric display, and the footage was forwarded immediately to ESPN for inclusion in the Sportscenter opening montage.

“Yes! This footage kicks ass!” shouted Mark Lehman, Sportscenter producer, upon receiving a copy of the tape. “Just check out how the umpire calls him out, then Young walks away, and then all of a sudden out of nowhere –wham! - the bat nails him in the chest. Of course we’ll edit it down so you can only see the moment of impact, and then we’ll slide it right in there between the footage of the Red Sox-Yankees brawl and that receiver being knocked unconscious. Obviously we don’t condone any of this stuff. We just want to show the viewers how awesome it is.”

The Sportscenter opening segment consists of a fast-paced montage of exciting sports highlights set to the show’s memorable theme song. The segment is changed periodically to include newer footage, such as the Young bat-toss.

“This montage isn’t just an excuse to titillate viewers with scenes of violence and brutality,” said Lehman. “It’s not that at all. It’s just supposed to be exciting. There are some nice moments in there, like walk-off home runs and buzzer beating baskets, but violence is a part of sports, too. We won’t hide from it. In fact, we’ll celebrate it, at the same time that our on-air personalities are condemning it. It’s a delicate balance between entertainment and hypocrisy.”

The Young bat-toss has been aired almost as many times as last year’s Pistons-Pacers brawl, which was shown an estimated 39,000 times in a two-week span following the incident. That footage was also included in the Sportscenter into.

“See, the Pistons-Pacers brawl was a good example of how violence is so prevalent in sports,” Lehman said. “That was an ugly, shocking scene, one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. Yet we, as a society, must learn to face these things rather than run from them. We must confront them, over and over, with awesome rock music in the background. Just look at that bat-toss: Boom! Take that you stinking pussy umpire! I mean, this is a black day for baseball. Somebody call Bob Ley.”

ESPN’s usage of violent footage can also have an adverse effect on the athletes involved. Players like Ron Artest, Jermaine O’Neal and now Delmon Young will forever be defined by two-second video clips.

“I definitely feel like them showing that footage every 10 seconds hurt my reputation even more than it already was,” said Artest, now a member of the Sacramento Kings. “I know it’s my fault for hitting that guy, but it still sucks to see it over and over again like that on TV. There are other kids watching. When you keep showing that stuff it makes them desensitized to violence. ESPN, take some responsibility will you? Show some restraint. Look at you. You’ve fallen so far that you’re actually being admonished by me.”

ESPN has no plans to show any restraint, however, especially with the Red Sox and Yankees scheduled to play a two-game series this week. Many at the network are keeping their fingers crossed that some sort of violence or depravity will occur.

“Restraint? You don’t become the Worldwide Leader in Sports by showing restraint,” ESPN president George Bodenheimer told the Boston Globe yesterday. “We’ve got a Sox-Yankees series this week and we will be there with our cameras ready to record any incident that happens. You can only pray something happens that’s as good as that bat-toss. I’ve never seen anything like it. That umpire could’ve gotten hurt pretty bad. Of course if he did we would’ve shown it over and over and over again on a loop….as a cautionary tale of course. See this is where violence will get you, kids: top billing on Sportscenter.”

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