Johnny Damon Finally Gets Teammates To Try Ecstasy

NEW YORK--Fun loving centerfielder Johnny Damon has a knack for keeping clubhouses loose, and the first year Yankee is making no exception when it comes to his new teammates. Once a stoic, somber bunch, the Yankees have “let their hair down” and are finally starting to have fun. The new attitude was never more evident on Monday night, when Damon finally got his teammates to try the popular club drug Ecstasy.

“You know, it took me a while to convince them to try this stuff,” Damon said in the raucous Yankee clubhouse. “This is a pretty professional, buttoned-down group. Eventually, though, I convinced them it was totally harmless. Now look at them, dude. They're having the time of their lives. It's like a nightclub in there. They're even dancing to techno music, although they don't seem to realize that the CD's been skipping for the past hour.”

As Damon, his neck adorned with a flourescent green glow ring, made his way across the clubhouse, he received hugs and high-fives from his jubilant teammates. Even the normally reserved Mariano Rivera couldn’t contain his excitement.

“Yes! Johnny! You’re the man!” he yelled. “This guy - this guy is unbelievable. He just comes in here, and he’s like ‘You’re all gonna have fun!’ and you know what? He was right! We’re all having so much fun now. We've really relaxed a lot of the rules in our clubhouse, and, like, it’s just a happier place. The first few years I was here, Jeter wouldn’t even let us chew gum.”

Another long time Yankee, Bernie Williams, also credited Damon for changing the culture in the Yankees clubhouse.

“It’s just refreshing, that’s all,” said Williams, his foot tapping to techno music blaring from the speakers. “The past few years we’ve been losing a lot and the clubhouse has gotten really solemn and kind of depressing. When we signed Johnny we knew things would change…Hold on, this is my favorite part….Boom! I love it when that synthesizer comes in... Anyway, he’s just a beautiful person. Everybody in this clubhouse is beautiful. Except for Gary Sheffield. He’s taken three pills and still looks like he wants to kill someone.”

“Have you seen the lights in this place? Unbelievable,” he continued. “I mean, I’ve seen them before but I’ve never really looked at them, you know what I mean? The vibe in this place is sick. I don’t think I ever want to leave this locker room.”

Manager Joe Torre has been amazed at the difference Damon has made in the clubhouse since signing with the team in the offseason. He credits Damon with helping the team overcome the intense pressure and scrutiny of playing in New York.

“Johnny has been a godsend here. There’s no doubt about that,” said Torre. “As a Yankee, sometimes it’s easy to take yourself too seriously, but he’s got these guys laughing it up and partying like crazy. Before he got here, our idea of fun was to sit around and watch Bernie Williams play jazz guitar. Talented kid, but he should name his next album 'Ambien' and market it to insomniacs.”

On Tuesday, the mood in the clubhouse was back to being somber again. Exhausted players moved through the clubhouse like zombies and the stench of stale beer hung persistently in the air. Damon, however, was his usual chipper self, and said he hoped to “party” again with his teammates in the near future.

“Whew, rough night,” he smiled. “That was a pretty epic party. Of course, a lot of guys are really hung-over right now and trying to recover from all the Ecstasy. Right now nobody will even look at each other. It’s like they’re almost embarrassed by their behavior last night. That’s okay, though. That’s healthy. If you’re not embarrassed after a night of hugging sweaty men and listening to gay-ass techno music, I don’t even want to be on your team.”

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