Enraged Detroit Residents Burn City To Ground Following Kimmel Comments

DETROIT, MI--The city of Detroit burned once again Wednesday night as residents, furious over disparaging comments made by comedian Jimmy Kimmel, rioted, looted, overturned cars, and set fires.

“This is a black day for Detroit,” said Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who took shelter in an underground bunker that was built following the ’84 riots. “It’s almost as bad as the ’67 race riots, and worse than the ’84 championship riots. It’s also much worse than the 1991 riots, which occurred for no discernible reason. I just hope Mr. Kimmel is happy right now. His misguided, inaccurate comments about Detroit are what started all this.”

The latest riot started Wednesday evening as thousands of Detroit residents took to the streets to voice their anger over Kimmel’s comments, which were made during halftime of Tuesday’s Pistons-Lakers game on ABC. The talk show host told Mike Tirico “they’re going to burn the city of Detroit down if the Pistons win, and it’s not worth it.” Tirico immediately objected to the comments, which Kimmel insisted were made in jest.

“I was only kidding. Detroit residents are the most gentle, rational, peaceful people in the world,” said Kimmel. “I’m sure the 7,872 death threats I’ve received are all from the same person. I just hope Detroit residents can forgive me, or I’m going to have to go into the witness protection program.”

Despite Kimmel’s apology, anger rioters rampaged through downtown Detroit Wednesday night. They started on Woodward Avenue, hurling rocks through shop windows and setting fire to police cars. Police say more than five hundred people marched through the area, doing substantial damage to the area around Comerica Park and setting fire to the historic Fox Theater. As the fires raged and sirens wailed, the crowd chanted “Kimmel must die! Kimmel must die!” A group of youths burned a likeness of Kimmel and even began beating a bystander who resembled that late-night comic.

During the melee, a television camera filmed a group of thugs vowing revenge.

“Kimmel, you’re going down, motherfucker!” one of the thugs yelled. “We are not violent, barbaric, savages, and if you say that again you’re a dead man!”

The rioters made their way down Woodward Avenue and then turned towards West Columbia Street, where they continued their violent march of destruction. One man was killed when his car was set on fire while he was still in it. Another perished when an enraged Pistons fan spotted him wearing a Lakers cap. Hundreds of police in riot gear were called in to disperse the crowd using tear gas and rubber bullets. Fortunately, the well-trained police force was able to restore calm in a relatively short time.

“Well, there a few hundred people setting fires, killing people, and vandalizing buildings. It’s no big deal, really,” said Leon Fielding, Detroit police chief. “This is something we have a lot of experience with. We’re trained professionals. The first thing you learn as a cop in this town is how to quell a riot. It’s like second nature to us. I was whistling nonchalantly and checking my watch while I beat rioters with my baton. Not that I can blame these people for rioting. Jimmy Kimmel’s comments were totally uncalled for and wildly inaccurate. People here only riot when they’re provoked, like when a sports team wins, a sports team loses, a comedian makes a joke, or it rains.”

Mayor Kilpatrick, who declared a state of emergency on Wednesday night, placed the blame for the riot squarely on the shoulders of Kimmel.

“I’d like to personally thank Mr. Kimmel for causing this disturbance,” said Kilpatrick in an interview with the Detroit Free Press. “We all know how emotional people are in this town, and the last thing they need is something to set them off on one of their insane rampages. Mr. Kimmel’s comments were irresponsible and dangerous, and he should be fined by ABC immediately. How can someone who does not live in a town make a sweeping generalization of all its citizens? It’s outrageous. That’s like saying that all citizens of Salt Lake City are ultra-conservative polygamists, or all citizens of Chicago are gay.”