Entire State Of Ohio Underachieving

COLUMBUS, OH--The Cincinnati Bengals have stumbled out of the gates, looking more like the old Bengals than the so-called new and improved edition. The Cleveland Browns are mired in mediocrity and have been for the past four years, the Cincinnati Reds finished in fourth place in the NL Central, and the Cleveland Indians finished third, completing yet another season in which they failed to make the postseason. Even the always-reliable Ohio State Buckeyes have fallen on hard times since winning the national title in 2002. If that isn’t enough, the state of Ohio is lagging behind the rest of the nation in education, crime, and employment. In short, the entire state of Ohio is underachieving.

“We are a better state than this,” said Governor Bob Taft. “We’re just in a funk right now. We had some high expectations at the beginning of this year and we just haven’t been able to live up to them. What we need is for someone to light a fire under us, give us a little momentum. Otherwise 2005 is going to be a long year.”

Taft criticized Ohio residents for their lack of focus and failure to execute in the clutch.

“It’s all about execution, really,” he said. “From the Cincinnati Bengals to our school teachers and law enforcement officials, everyone just has to pick it up. If not, we’re gonna be just another one of those states that looked great on paper but couldn’t get it done in real life, like Missouri.”

Speaking of the Bengals, the team has been spiraling downward since their surprising 8-8 finish last season. Despite the fact that they have several playmakers in offense and a defensive guru for their head coach, the Bungles are nowhere closer to making the playoffs than they were five years ago. The team’s underachieving mirrors that of the state.

“We are failures, just like the rest of Ohio,” said wideout Chad Johnson. “We’ve got all this potential, all these playmakers and we still play like the same old bunch of screwups we’ve always been. And you look at the Reds, Indians, and Buckeyes and it’s the same thing. Even the damn Bearcats have been a disappointment. What it is about Ohio and underachieving?”

The general malaise that has befallen the state of Ohio has affected all aspects of life. Crime has risen dramatically in cities like Akron and Columbus, and the unemployment rate is at its highest in nearly two decades. Things have gotten so bad that Ohio has become an object of ridicule among other states. Governor Edward Rendell of Pennsylvania said it best when he called Ohio “a huge disappointment.”

“I don’t get it. Nobody in this state seems to have much confidence right now. There’s no sense of urgency. You used to be able to depend on Ohio for sports at least, but not any more. All those franchises and all that talent and they’re still lagging behind better states like New York, Massachusetts, and us. It just goes to show you that just because a state looks good on paper doesn’t mean they’re worth a damn in real life.”

Residents of Ohio have also been feeling a bit listless. With job growth on the decline, many feel that they’ll never fulfill their potential.

“Man, I graduated from Penn State with a Master’s in finance,” said Paul Greenberg of Aurora. “I had so much promise, and now I’m working as a file clerk for a goddamn insurance company. Talk about underachieving. I might as well go try out for the Reds.”

The lone bright spot for the state of Ohio is the Cleveland Cavaliers. The Cavs boast a talented young team and the league’s hottest star in Lebron James. However, with the current statewide trend of underachieving, many folks are expecting the same from the Cavaliers.

“We’re aware of the current failures of Ohio,” said Coach Paul Silas “You’ve got the Reds, the Indians, the Buckeyes, the Browns, the Bengals--it’s all pretty much the same. OK, the Browns are a decent team, but let’s face it: they’ve got a gay quarterback. Just kidding, Jeff Garcia. Don’t get your panties in a knot.”

But Silas still has hope that the Cavs can break the trend.

“At some point this little slump has to end, and we could be the team to do it,” said Silas. “We’ve got some good talent here and we were starting to come together last year. I think all this state needs is a spark and then it will start executing like we all know that it can. Perhaps that spark can start with us, and Ohio can once again be a respected member of the union.”

Until then, Ohio will have to continue to take its lumps. Things are getting so bad that Senator John Kerry blasted the state during a campaign speech in Wisconsin.

“Now you have a state like Ohio, a state that has performed really, really poorly over the last twelve months, and you know that we can do better,” Kerry told supporters at a rally Thursday. “In Wisconsin, you have a great work ethic, a solid, upstanding populace and an athlete like Brett Favre who can make you proud to be a native. You put that up next to a sorry little place like Ohio and the contrast couldn’t be greater. So when you go and vote on November 2nd, remember to vote for John Edwards and me. Four more years of this administration, and we’ll all be like Ohio.”