Theo Epstein Wishing Decent Shortstop Would Fall Into His Lap Somehow

BOSTON--Disheartened with the struggles of newly-signed shortstop Julio Lugo, Red Sox GM Theo Epstein today said he wished a dependable shortstop would fall into his lap somehow. The Red Sox have had terrible luck with the shortstop position recently and the acquisition of Lugo has only made matters worse.

“Goddamn it. For some reason I just can’t catch a break when it comes to shortstops,” a frustrated Epstein told the Boston Globe today. “Last year we had Alex Gonzalez, a decent hitter and amazing fielder. Nothing got past that guy. He loved playing in Boston, too, but then he left via free agency. Two years ago we had Orlando Cabrera and it was the same deal: Great player, great attitude, amazing fielder, LOVED Boston, left via free agency. Arrrgh! It’s so frustrating! Did I do something wrong in a past life that I’m paying for now?”

Lugo was signed to a $36 million deal in the off-season and has responded with a .193 batting average, along with nine errors in 69 games. For Epstein, those numbers are hard to swallow.

“What the hell happened to Julio Lugo?” he asked. “He’s been so dependable throughout his career, and now this? It’s like whoever I sign to play this damn position just falls apart the second they go out there. Well, not everybody. Alex and Orlando did really well, but we all know what happened to them: Bye bye! Have a nice life! Thanks for coming! Whatever you do, don’t stick around for a second longer than you absolutely have to. Assholes. Ah, I’m just frustrated. I hate to be sarcastic, but when you’ve had shit luck like I’ve had I think it’s pretty justified.”

The Sox shortstop troubles started in 2004, when they traded disgruntled shortstop Nomar Garciaparra to the Cubs in a four team deal that landed them Orlando Cabrera from the Montreal Expos. The Sox went on to win the World Series that year and Cabrera was a key factor, contributing several big hits and near flawless defense.

When the time came to re-sign him, however, things went drastically wrong.

Said Cabrera: “God I wanted to re-sign with the Red Sox. I loved that city. I thought I was going to retire there. But then I found out the Red Sox didn’t want to pay me my market value. Not even close to it, actually. I was stunned, but what can you do, right? This is a business. So I went off and signed with the Angels. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what’s up with that Epstein guy. He’s smart in a lot of ways, but he seems to be retarded when it comes to the shortstop position.”

“I just hope he gives Julio a chance to snap out of it,” he added. “He’s still capable of being that okay-hitting, mediocre-fielding player that the Red Sox fell in love with.”

After Cabrera’s departure, Epstein set his sights on highly-regarded shortstop Edgar Renteria. Renteria was a member of the Cardinals team that was swept by the Red Sox in the World Series and was eager for the challenge of coming to the American League. Sadly, he was a flop.

“Edgar was a fantastic failure in every sense of the word,” said one Sox player. “And all year long, we were all like ‘Why in hell didn’t we just keep Cabrera?’ What, does Theo have something against awesome fielding shortstops? Was his on base percentage unsatisfactory? On the bright side, Lugo will probably be gone after a year, too. Maybe we could send him to the Reds for Alex Gonzalez. He does have a great OBP when he’s not going hitless in 57 at bats.”

Epstein is still holding out hope that Lugo can snap out of his slump and start contributing to the team, but he’s also a realist and understands he could be in the market for yet another shortstop next season.

“The season’s not over yet so hopefully Julio can get back in the swing of things for the second half,” said Epstein. “If not, we move forward. I’m not going to sit here and complain about my bad luck. That’s not what I’m about. You just have to dust yourself off, get back on the horse, and hope that somehow, some way, fortune smiles on you. If we decide to pursue another option and there’s no one good available, we can always give a one-year deal to some loser like Jose Reyes or Jimmy Rollins.”

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