ESPN Hollywood Preemptively Canceled

LOS ANGELES--ESPN Hollywood, a hip, exciting new show focusing on the intersection of sports and entertainment, has been preemptively canceled, sources reported Tuesday. The show was scheduled to debut on August 1 but network executives got cold feet after realizing that the male 18-25 demographic, their core audience, probably wouldn’t be interested in a pansy-ass magazine show.

Ron Becker, producer of ESPN Hollywood, called the decision to cancel the show “unfortunate.”

“I think they’re making the wrong decision here,” said Becker. “I know this was a big risk for them, a show delving into the exciting world of celebrities and athletes, but they should’ve at least given it a chance. I’ve never actually heard of a show being canceled before it even hit the air. That’s pretty sad. I guess that’s what you get for trying to be bold, provocative and daring.”

Becker described the now defunct show as a cross between Access Hollywood and Sportscenter.

“See, what made this show different was the interesting juxtaposition between the glitz and glamour of Hollywood and the world of sports,” said Becker. “Have you ever wondered who your favorite athletes were dating or what kind of cars they drive? Have you ever wanted to hear athletes talk about their favorite actors and actors talk about their favorite athletes? No? Well I guessed that’s why they canceled the show.”

Now that the show has been canceled, its cast members are searching for answers. Thea Andrews, the airhead slated to host ESPN Hollywood, will now be forced to look for other work.

“We got canceled? But how did we get canceled?” she asked upon hearing the news. “We haven’t even been on the air yet. Damn. I was really looking forward to being ESPN’s resident entertainment reporter. For the first show we were going to interview Adam Sandler about The Longest Yard and then have him throw some passes to an actual NFL wide receiver. Then I was going to talk to Sheryl Crow about life with Lance Armstrong. Talk about glamorous. I would’ve been like the Pat O’Brien of ESPN. OK, bad example.”

When the idea for the show was hatched in 2004, it seemed like a great idea. ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports, would broaden its horizons in order to offer its viewers more cutting edge programming. Unfortunately, feedback from fans and focus groups was overwhelmingly negative.

“Wow, I thought we were really on to something with this show,” said ESPN vice president Mark Fields. “I mean, who could resist a show that delves into the personal lives of some of our most beloved athletes and has gossip and has movie stars? Apparently everybody. We actually got death threats after we sent out our first press release. People were spitting on me on the street. At that point I knew we had to take the unprecedented step of preemptively canceling the show. But I’ll have the last laugh. Coming in 2006 on ESPN2: Tyra Banks’ Sports, Fashion & Gossip Hour. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!”

The preemptive cancellation of the show caused ESPN viewers to breathe a sigh of relief. Those who took part in the focus group that viewed a segment from the show rejoiced upon hearing the news that the nation was safe from ESPN Hollywood.

“Oh, thank you, Jesus. Thank you merciful Christ,” said Doug Stearns, 28. “The 18 minutes I was watching that show was like a horrid, soul crushing death march. They actually had Ashton Kutcher on. Ashton Kutcher! The guy next to me cut his wrists with a plastic spork. I watched him bleed to death right next to me. And you know what? I envied him.”

So ESPN Hollywood is dead and the network’s foray into the world of show business is over…for now.

The show is dead. It’s canceled before it even saw the light of day,” said Becker. “It would’ve been great to produce it but it just wasn’t meant to be. Still, I feel that this concept of sports and Hollywood has a lot of potential. Maybe we just need to package it differently. Perhaps if we used a different host, like Kit Hoover or one of those broads from The View. Maybe we need some exploding graphics and special effects. I’ve got it! We need more corporate sponsors! People love that shit. See, we’re not so out of touch here at the Worldwide Leader in Sports.”