NEW YORK--According to a survey of American consumers, ESPN’s new mobile device has narrowly edged “Fatheads”-- life-sized photos of famous athletes that can be stuck to walls -- as the worst idea in the history of mankind. Both items were labeled as “useless” and “horrifying,” with the mobile device coming in first by a nose.

The device, which broadcasts game highlights, scoring updates, and commentary, was released last month after an advertising blitz that had no impact whatsoever on the viewing public.

“It appears that the coveted 18-35 demographic is not interested in buying a cell phone that broadcasts ESPN,” said Marc Beale, chairman of Customer Care Measurement and Consulting, a firm that conducts polls on consumer spending habits. “This is a continuation of a pattern of ESPN misreading it’s own target audience. Remember ESPN Hollywood? OK, then you get my point. They’re completely delusional, but I love them for it because I think it’s hilarious.”

The few people who have purchased an ESPN mobile device reported being unimpressed and even annoyed by the it.

“This is a piece of crap, no question about it,” said Dan Wiegold, 27, an avid sports fan and a member of ESPN’s target audience. “OK, so it gives you scoring updates. Those aren’t too hard to come by these days. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation where I desperately needed a scoring update and couldn’t get it for more than, like, 5 minutes. Also, looking down at my cell phone and seeing Trey Wingo staring back at me is way too similar to a recurring nightmare I used to have.”

ESPN marketing director Carolyn Frist said she was “shocked” by the timid response to their new product but predicted big things for it in the future.

“We’re surprised by how all this turned out,” said Frist, who originally came up with the idea for a portable ESPN phone. “But we are still very early on in the process. Sometimes this kind of thing takes a while to take off. So far we’ve sold seven and counting, so it’s not like – whoa, wait a minute. I just got word we sold another. That’s eight! Yes! Things are starting to pick up. If we sell two more, we’ll be ahead of the Fatheads.”

As for the Fatheads, many consumers admitted to being confused by them, and wondered what kind of person would desire a life size photo of Chad Johnson on their bedroom walls. Others wondered if the name “Fathead” was an effective way to convey the product’s use to the buyer.

“The name Fathead is disturbing to me for some reason,” said Gary Hicks, 30 who briefly considered ordering one as a birthday present for his nephew. “Then when I found out what they were I was even more disturbed. Why would you want a life-size picture of some idiot athlete on your wall? That’s stupid. And those commercials with Chad Johnson sticking his mouthful of gold teeth into the camera? Yea, that’s appetizing. Put me down for a dozen.”

Like ESPN, the creators of Fathead are disturbed by their product’s lackluster sales but hopeful things will pick up soon.

“These things haven’t taken off like we had hoped they would,” said Ron Templeton, president of Fathead Inc. “Shockingly, people won’t buy a life size picture of their favorite athlete for 100 bucks. We should mark them down to 20, and then shower thanks and gratitude on whoever is gracious enough to buy one. Anyway, things may pick up soon once we get the new Barry Bonds Fathead, which should sell millions of units for comedy purposes alone.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.