Winner Of New ESPN Reality Show Gets To Run Over Stuart Scott With Bus

BRISTOL, CT--ESPN’s latest venture into reality television will offer a unique new twist on the ever-popular genre. It will be similar to Dream Job but with one striking difference. The winner, instead of being given a job as a Sportscenter anchor, will be awarded the privilege of running over Stuart Scott with a bus.

Who Wants To Run Over Stuart Scott With A Bus? is scheduled to debut in October.

“I know a lot of people out there have been dying to inflict some kind of pain on Stuart Scott for a long time,” said Carol Renquist, executive producer of WWTROSSWB. “Judging from the number of audition tapes, that number is well into the millions. Well, with our new show, one contestant will finally have that chance. We’ve got a giant, 25-foot Greyhound bus that can reach speeds of up to 100 mph waiting for some lucky winner to take the wheel and silence that son of a bitch forever. Of course, knowing Stu, he’ll probably bounce right back up and yell ‘Boo yea!’”

Renquist noted that over fifty million people sent in videotape auditions for the show. Out of those fifty million, ten thousand were selected to come to ESPN headquarters in Bristol, CT and prove they were worthy of a spot on WWTROSSWB. The ten thousand contestants were then whittled down to one hundred finalists, out of which the twelve contestants were chosen.

“The final 12 showed that they had the personality, communication skills, and charisma of an ESPN anchor,” said Renquist. “They also had to submit an essay about why they deserve to be the one to run Stuart over with a bus. We found some really great, qualified candidates, and we think America will be excited about the results. That being said, there are no losers in this contest. When Stuart Scott gets run over, we all win.”

The idea for the show evolved from the brainstorming sessions for Dream Job’s second season. Producers were thrilled with the show’s success but wanted to up the ante this time around.

“We thought ‘What prize could we offer the winner that would be better than a stint on ESPN and better than millions of dollars in cash?’” said Renquist. “One of my associate producers jokingly said ‘How about running over that asshole [Scott] with a bus?’ Even though he was speaking in jest, I thought the idea had some merit. I mean, what rational, sane person wouldn’t be excited about the prospect of firing up a mammoth Greyhound bus and taking aim at the bastard? I know I would. Hell, if we didn’t have a rule against it, I would’ve been the first to audition.”

Scott’s unique act has begun to grow tiresome over the past few years. For many, his personality has quickly gone from a mildly amusing novelty act to a full-blown annoyance. Though nearly every sports fan in America has grown weary of Scott, he continues uttering his trademark catch phrases.

“And the Lord said ya got to rise up!” screamed Scott yesterday, while describing a Barry Bonds home run. “Boo yea! Number 39 for Bonds, so step off all you playa hatas, cause B Squared is takin it to the house!”

The show will finish taping next week and air at the beginning of the fall season. The final episode will be a two-hour extravaganza, culminating in the joyous moment when Scott is run over with the bus. Aside from the winner of WWTROSSWB, ESPN will be auctioning off seats on the bus to the highest bidders. Tickets have already been purchased by several celebrities, including Donald Trump, Mark Cuban, and even NBA star Michael Jordan. Sadly, no ESPN anchors will be allowed on the bus.

“I don’t really think it’s fair that we can’t get on the bus,” said Trey Wingo, who has endured Scott’s banalities for close to a decade. “After all, we’re the ones who had to deal with the guy on a daily basis. It just seems right that we’d be able to participate in the festivities. But they have those damn regulations about employees of the company not being able to be a part of the show. Oh well, maybe I'll get my chance next year when they run over Chris Berman.”