ESPN Receives Annual Government Grant To Distract Populace

BRISTOL, CT--ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in Sports, received its annual government grant today to continue distracting the populace with bright colors, loud noises, thrilling athletic feats, and mind-numbing banter. The popular sports network has been working closely with the government since the mid-90’s to lull the nation, specifically the male 18-35 demographic, into complacency while civilization collapses around them.

ESPN President George Bodenheimer said he is proud to serve his country any way he can.

“If my country needs me, for whatever reason, I’m there,” Bodenheimer told The Washington Post yesterday “In these trying times, our citizens need to be distracted with awesome sports highlights while our federal government quietly tends to its diabolical plan for global dominance. It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it. That reminds me: There is a new episode of Tilt on tonight, as well as a re-run of Sunday’s Dream Job. So just sit back, relax, and take solace in the fact that everything is cool. It is cool. Trust me. You wouldn’t doubt the worldwide leader in sports, would you?”

This year’s grant is reported to be the largest sum ever given to ESPN by the federal government. At $500 million, it allows the network to utilize innovative new strategies to convince the populace that their lives are meaningful.

“ESPN, simply put, gives people something to care about,” said Bodenheimer. “It’s a noble calling. When the Clinton administration came to me in ’96 and proposed this deal to me, I was thrilled. What a great idea. Now, the Bush administration has taken it to another level. They’ve called on us to increase the volume, increase the flow of information, and essentially scream our heads off so it’s impossible not to pay attention. It’s working great, and it’s all for the benefit of you, the viewer. Seriously, you don’t want to know what’s actually going on right now.”

Among the projects for this year are a 24-hour, real-time score ticker that will display on fans’ cell phones, a new channel dedicated exclusively to college sports called “ESPNU,” and a designer chemical that can be injected into the head to implant crucial sports statistics directly into the user’s brain.

ESPN marketing director Sandy DeLillo predicts 2005 will be the network’s most lucrative yet.

“Oh, we’re going to kick some ass this year, that’s for sure,” said DeLillo. “By the time we’re through with them, the 18-35’s will be brainwashed zombies with no capability or desire to think of anything other than sports. Even if they try, our little designer chemical will kick in and flood their brains with sweet, sweet scoring updates. I’m using it right now, actually. Ahhh, that’s the stuff. Timberwolves 101, Warriors 89.”

The White House has never publicly thanked ESPN for its role in distracting the populace, but sources say the president is “extremely pleased” with the network and will be leaning on them this year more than ever.

“This is a pivotal year for the Bush administration,” the source said. “His 2nd term agenda is extremely ambitious and keeping the masses informed would not be in our best interest. It’s best for them not to worry themselves with stuff they can’t control. They should just relax and enjoy themselves. By this time next year we’ll be living in a pseudo-monarchy and Bush will have declared himself King for life. But we shouldn’t let that distract us from what is truly important: The steroid scandal.”

Artificially inflating the importance of sporting events is ESPN’s trademark. This year they'll be working harder than ever to convince Americans that somebody else’s athletic accomplishments are vital to them and can somehow affect their lives. This practice, known as “hype,” is not new, but the folks at ESPN have elevated it to an art form.

“The Sox-Yankees thing is a gold mine for us,” said DeLillo. “People love rivalries, they love competition, but most of all, they love violence. We’re hoping for more fights from these teams this summer. Plus there’s March Madness, the NBA finals, and the NFL draft. Shit, we’re actually going to launch an entirely new channel dedicated solely to the draft. 24-hours a day, 7 days a week. We’re also going to increase the volume on Sportscenter and add more pretty bright colors.”

ESPN’s contract with the government doesn’t run out until 2010, but even if it was terminated today, the network’s influence on America would remain strong for years to come.

“You just have to look at how brainwashed everyone is right now,” said a high ranking White House official. “ESPN is doing a great job for us. We’re so happy to have them on our side, especially now that we’re embarking on the sinister ‘Phase 3’ of the War on Terror. I can’t tell you the details, but I will say it involves France , a nuclear bomb, and dropping a nuclear bomb on France. But that’s all I can say. Secrecy is of the utmost importance.”