ESPY Award Clogging Tiger Woods’ Garbage Disposal

BEVERLY HILLS, CA--Golf star Tiger Woods was forced to call a repairman yesterday after he attempted to stuff his 2003 ESPY award down the garbage disposal. Woods, who was given the award as best male golfer of the year, shoved it top first into the drain and then switched on the disposal, which promptly ground to a halt.

“Man, that sucks,” said a frustrated Woods. “The guy who installed this told me it could handle anything. I even put my dead hamster in there last week. Sucked it up like a boneless chicken breast. But this frigging hunk of metal is a different story.”

According to Woods, he came across the award while cleaning out his bedroom closet.

“I forgot all about it actually,” said Woods. “Until the other day I was cleaning out my closet and there it was, under a pile of dirty underpants. I’m not even sure how it got in there.”

A spokesman for ESPN expressed profound disappointment that Woods looked upon the prestigious award with such disdain.

“We’re disappointed that Tiger didn’t respect the ESPY awards enough to place it on a mantle with the rest of his trophies,” said Richard Guillani, ESPN spokesman. “He should be honored to win an ESPY for best male golfer. If this is the way he feels about it, we’ll think twice about nominating him next year.”

“Oooooo, I’m real scared,” Woods responded. “Whatever shall I do if they don’t nominate me for another ESPY? I guess I’ll just have to be happy with my billions of dollars and roomful of real trophies. The ESPYs didn’t even exist until a few years ago, and now I’m supposed to act like it means something? I don’t think so.”

In Woods’ career, he has won the Masters, the British and US Open, raked in millions upon millions in cash winnings, and become a sports icon on the level of Michael Jordan. Winning an ESPY, according to Woods, is not exactly high on his list of priorities.

All the same, Woods showed up at the ESPYS and graciously accepted the meaningless chunk of aluminum and plastic. Now, that meaningless award is causing havoc in his sink.

“Ah, goddamn!” yelled an irate Woods, after attempting to remove the award with his hands. “I cut myself. Shit. If I have to miss a day of golf because of this award, I’m gonna jam it up Chris Berman’s ass.”

After failing to reach the repairman several times on a Sunday morning, Woods decided to seek the help of some fellow athletes who have won the awards. According to Woods, Michael Jordan and Shaquille O’Neill were unable to help, as they both left their awards in the limo the evening of the show. But luckily baseball star Derek Jeter, who won the award in 2002, was able to give some helpful hints.

“Oh yea, the same thing happened to me,” said Jeter over the phone. “What you have to do is get a chainsaw and chop off the base, then shove the rest down the disposal. But don’t try and turn it on, it’ll just get jammed. Instead, you need to get under the sink and unscrew it and pull it out manually. I know it’s a pain in the ass but it’s the only thing that works.”

Eventually, Woods managed to remove the award from his garbage disposal, but not before several hours of struggling and laboring.

“I guess I should’ve just dropped it in the trash,” he said. “But I didn’t want the pointy end to poke a hole in the bag. Maybe I should’ve just held onto it and used it as the worlds largest paperweight. At least I would’ve gotten some use out of it. Oh well, lesson learned. Next year, I leave the damn thing in the limo like everyone else. Give it to the driver as a souvenir, for all I care.”