Rest Of Oklahoma Football Players Hastily Quit Their Fake Jobs

NORMAN, OK--After quarterback Rhett Bomar and guard JD Quinn were dismissed from the team for accepting paychecks from a car dealership they didn’t actually earn, the rest of the Oklahoma Sooners hastily quit their own fake jobs to avoid a similar fate.

As of Tuesday, 10 players had been forced to resign from their non-jobs.

“Well I guess that’s it for me at that sporting goods store up the street,” said one player, who asked not to be identified. “It’s too bad, too, because I was making $1,000 a week. Don’t think it was an easy job. I went in one day a week for three hours and had to break up these boxes and put them in a dumpster. Now I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do for money. I wonder if I could sell the Hummer that booster let me borrow. Uh… I mean my ‘friend’ let me borrow. My older, richer friend who gives cars to football players.”

Bomar and Quinn violated a major NCAA rule by collecting paychecks for a job they didn’t actually perform. The incident served as a wake-up cool for the rest of the players on the team who were doing the same thing.

“It’s a blessing in disguise that those guys got dismissed from the team,” said a junior defensive player. “That could’ve been me. It could’ve been anyone on this team. Hell, it could have been any NCAA football player across the country. That’s pretty scary if you think about it. I guess the lesson in all of this is that if you’re going to take a fake job, make sure they pay you under the table so you don’t get caught. They should make an after-school special about that.”

Not every Sooners player has a fake job. Many less important members of the team are forced to work actual jobs and also study to prepare themselves for life after college football. None of those players were surprised to hear what happened to Bomar.

“That’s typical. If you’re a good player you’re going to get hand-outs,” said Mark Dempsey, a member of the Sooners practice squad. “But for a lot of us, that’s not an option. We have to work real jobs, we have to study, and we have to act like regular students who just happen to play football. Remember, there are 350,000 students athletes in this country, and almost all of us are going pro in something other than sports. Me? I’m going pro in business administration, which means I’ll someday be giving fake jobs to college football players.”

Despite rumors of rampant NCAA violations on his team, Coach Bob Stoops has no plans for further disciplinary action. His only concern now is finding another quarterback to take over for the highly-touted Bomar.

“Rhett is gone and now we’re just moving forward,” Stoops said. “Hopefully one of the other guys will be able to step in and take his place. If not, we’ll just run the ball and play good defense. Whatever happens, I have no regrets about taking a stand. The integrity of this program is more important than wins and losses. I just hope the boosters take that into consideration when they’re threatening to kill me.”

As for Bomar, he has accepted responsibility for his actions and is hoping for a second chance with another school. He’ll most likely catch on with someone, as his mistake was relatively minor and extremely common.

“I made a mistake and I’m sorry for that,” Bomar said in a telephone interview yesterday. “I would like to get one more chance, though. You know what happens to college football players when we can’t play anymore, don’t you? We go astray. Do I need to say the name? Do I? Starts with an ‘M’ ends with a ‘Clarett?’ I think you know who I’m talking about: Mark McClarett, defensive end from North Dakota State. He got busted for working a fake job and ended up having to get a real job instead. Talk about a chilling cautionary tale.”

According to reports, Bomar has already been contacted by one Division I school about a possible scholarship, as well as a 60-hour a week job as an air traffic controller.

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