Fallujah Devastated After Losing Out On Summer X Games

FALLUJAH--Officials from the city of Fallujah were devastated upon learning that they were rejected in their bid to host the 2005 Summer X Games. The event’s organizers decided to hold the games in Los Angeles instead of the war-torn Iraqi city, leaving the city’s mayor at a complete loss.

“I don’t understand it,” said Mayor Hamid al-Kafi. "Fallujah is a very cosmopolitan city with lots of hotel space and some wonderful restaurants. Plus, it is a hotbed of extremism, and that is what the X Games are all about, isn’t it? We are the most extreme place in the world…dude.”

Al-Kafi said he was “99 percent positive” that his city would be awarded the games after coalition forces cleared the area of insurgents.

“The US Marines came in and retook the city. Now there are no more insurgents,” he said. “The corpses have all been cleaned out of the soccer stadium, and we have installed a half-pipe in the town square, right next to the giant smoking crater that used to be a police station. Also, since the majority of the cars have been used for car bombings, we have ample parking all over the city.”

The city’s residents worked hard to prepare for the X Games. By the time the event’s coordinator, Richard Pemulis, toured Fallujah, the city had undergone nearly $3 million dollars in renovations. Unfortunately, it was not enough.

“It is sad that we were not able to host the Summer X Games,” said Mohammed bin Rasheed, a local resident. “We have built a skate park and a motorcross course, as well as a brand new hotel that used to be a prison. But Mr. Pemulis, the American, chose Los Angeles instead. I believe he was influenced by George Bush and his anti-Islam, Zionist agenda that is conspiring to keep extreme sports out of Arab lands. The biggest disappointment is that I will not get to meet 2004 X Games champ Shaun White. He’s so cute. I mean, he is brave like the mujadeen warriors.”

Now that they have lost out on the games, the citizens of Fallujah are left with a brand new skate park, several half pipes, a giant bicycle ramp and a large expanse known as Ahman bin Sadish Memorial X-Games Park.

“Just like Olympic host cities must build a central location for athletes and fans to gather, we have built a beautiful recreational area to serves as our own ‘Olympic Park,’” said al-Kafi. “It is named after bin-Sadish, a former mayor of Fallujah who was killed by insurgents, or the coalition, or possibly random bandits looking for money. There are many ways to die in Fallujah, and death stalks you at every corner, but so what? X Gamers are supposed to be brave, bold people unafraid to risk life and limb. If they are not, then the Mountain Dew people have been lying to us all this time. Infidels!”

Pemulis defended his decision to keep the games in Los Angeles, saying that LA was more equipped to deal with the popular event than a terrorist-infested insurgency hot bed.

“I was impressed with the efforts of the people of Fallujah,” said Pemulis. “They really went out of their way to make us feel welcome, and they also did a great job getting the city ready. I’d say in 30 or 40 years that place will be a strong candidate to host the X Games. Right now, however, they’re not quite there yet. After all, they had 32 beheadings in Fallujah last year alone. By contrast, Los Angeles had only 10.”

The biggest problem with Fallujah, according to Pemulis, is its location at the heart of the Sunni Triangle, also known “The Triangle of Death.”

“Location is a big thing for us,” he said. “For instance, we like LA because it’s a major metropolitan area strategically located in sunny southern California. Apart from the south central region of Los Angeles, there is little social unrest or political violence. Fallujah, on the other hand, is very volatile and could erupt at any minute. The security situation there just isn’t stable. We can’t guarantee the safety of our athletes, even though they will be wearing knee pads and helmets.”

There is at least one person who is relieved that the X-Games will not be held in Fallujah. John Abizaid, Commander of the coalition forces in Iraq, insisted that the city is not even close to being ready for a major sporting event.

“Fallujah to host the Summer X Games?” he asked in a press conference on Tuesday. “That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard. You still can’t walk down the street in that city without coming under fire. There’s also no electricity or running water, making it a logistical nightmare. And there’s always the threat of more car bombs and kidnappings, too. Remember, the Iraqi security forces are not fully trained yet, and the American forces, well, they have no body armor and haven’t eaten in three days.”