Fan Vote To Determine Winner Of All-Star Game

HOUSTON, TX--In an attempt to further ruin the mid-summer classic, Major League Baseball has announced that the winner of the All-Star Game will be determined by fan voting.

“The all-star game has always been the fans’game,” said Commissioner Bud Selig. “And this is a great way for us to make it an even more interactive event. Now, on top of being able to vote for their favorite players, they can vote for the winner. Whoever gets the vote will be awarded home field advantage in the World Series. Now we’ve come full circle. The game has gone from sort of meaningless to completely meaningless.”

“Over the years, the fans have shown a great deal of intelligence and restraint in selecting the most appropriate, deserving players for the all-star squad,” he continued. “We’re rewarding that discretion with even more say in the result of the game. Plus, it’ll take some pressure off me. If the game is screwed up, the fans will have only themselves to blame.”

Joe Torre, the manager for the American League, was reportedly relieved upon hearing the news. The manager has been under fire in the past for using players sparingly at the expense of winning the game. Now that the outcome is out of his hands, Torre can sit back, relax, and enjoy himself.

“Whew, that’s a load off my mind,” said Torre. “It’s not easy managing all these all-stars and trying to get them all into the game, while at the same time actually trying to win. There’s a lot of strategy involved here, and frankly, I don’t give a shit.”

According to Selig, the All-Star game initiative is just the beginning of a bold new plan to get fans more involved in the game. Meetings are already underway to introduce a new strategy, which would allow television viewers to make in-game managerial decisions using the internet or mobile phones. For example, the league is reportedly mulling a new version of the Sprint Virtual Manager that will move beyond simple poll questions. In certain key situations, fans will actually be able to make managerial decisions that will be implemented by the coaching staff. Selig explains:

“We’ve already got the Virtual Manager thing working pretty good. Now we’re going to move a step further,” he said. “How would like to be able to determine whether or not to bunt, execute a hit and run, or intentionally walk a batter? Well, under our new plan, America will be able to determine when, and if, these things happen. If you want to walk Barry Bonds, simply vote for it. If you want to pitch to him, vote accordingly. If you want to hit Mike Piazza in the head with a fastball, go for it. It’s all up to you. Now when you see all those Virtual Manager opinion questions, it won’t be so annoying and pointless, except in an existential way, of course.”

While some are applauding the changes, others feel that removing the manager’s decision-making authority will tarnish the game.

“How can they do this to our precious national pastime?” asked George Will, noted author and baseball fan. “The game has changed over the years, always reflecting the change and upheaval in our society. Yet it has retained its basic innocence, its purity, which brings our nation together to celebrate our common heritage. Ah, who am I kidding? Baseball has no integrity, and neither does our society. They can replace the players with fucking cyborgs for all I care.”

Selig applauded Will’s statement.

“Yes, yes I agree with Mr. Will,” said Selig. “Baseball is a tawdry, silly, pointless spectacle of greed and corruption that reflects all that is wrong with society. Instead of denying and resisting that fact, we should embrace it. Soon there will be advertisements on the bases and the players’ uniforms! There will be live entertainment between innings, cheerleaders, legalized on-site gambling, cock fighting, aluminum bats…Whew. Hold on. I’m getting a little ahead of myself here. Completely ruining a hundred-year-old game takes patience. Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day.”