FEMA Mistakenly Descends On Miami Hurricanes Game

TALLAHASSEE, FL--In another embarrassing mishap for the embattled organization, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) descended in full force on Monday’s NCAA football game between the Florida State Seminoles and the Miami Hurricanes. FEMA head Michael Brown ordered the deployment of hundreds of rescue workers as well as emergency food drops when he received word of the natural disaster occurring in Tallahassee.

Unfortunately, many of the rescue workers could not reach the disaster area, Doak Campbell Stadium, because they were stuck in traffic. Brown apologized for the delay and said that “every effort” was being made to ensure victims were receiving the help they needed.

“I can tell you right now that we have emergency medical, food, and water supplies headed to the area right now,” Brown said in a statement released to the press Monday night. “I wish we could get there faster, but you must understand this is a logistical nightmare. There are thousands of people lined up in their automobiles waiting to get to the disaster area, many with painted faces and large quantities of alcohol. This new, dangerous breed of ‘super-looters’ is hampering our rescue operations.”

Brown did point out that many people had already been saved from the hurricane.

“We have airlifted dozens of people off the roofs of their cars and the streets surrounding Doak Campbell Stadium, or ‘Ground Zero.’ This has proven especially difficult since the victims, obviously delirious with fear, have resisted our rescuers, often times fighting tooth and nail even as their lives are being saved. Thankfully, we’ve called in a fleet of Greyhound busses to evacuate the area. They should be here in about three weeks.”

Witnesses in the area reported “mass confusion” as FEMA attempted to rescue people who did not want to be rescued in an area that did not appear to be destroyed by a hurricane. In fact, Fox news correspondent Geraldo Rivera, on location in the stadium parking lot, reported nothing was going on but an innocent football game.

“Death. Destruction. Disease,” he began. “An entire city drowning in a toxic soup of unseen diseases, dead rotting animals, and, quite possibly, giant, mutated killer lizards that shoot laser beams from their eyeballs. These things would all be happening if this was a hurricane, but it’s actually just a football game. So what the hell am I doing here?”

Taped footage of the incident showed no winds, high water, or destruction of any kind. Fans who attended the game repeatedly informed the FEMA rescuers that “Hurricanes” was simply the name of a college football team, and that there was no actual hurricane. Still the rescuers would not be deterred.

“We were hanging out in the parking lot tailgating and these guys in helicopters were hovering over us the whole time,” said Katie Doyle, 19, a Florida State student who attended the game with friends. “They kept dropping these big baskets down to us and telling us to get in. When we refused they tried to force us. One of them actually took my friend Sarah. She was kicking and screaming the whole time, but they wouldn’t let her go. I haven’t heard from her since.”

Another witness reported FEMA officials trying to cut to the front of a long line of traffic going into the stadium.

“There were these big vans that said ‘FEMA’ on the side, and they kept beeping at us, telling us to get out of the way,” said Marc Pinkston, 21. “They said they were here to rescue us or something. I figured they were just Miami fans who were being wise-asses, so me and my friends got out of the car and kicked their asses. Then we jumped in the back of the van and found all this food and water. We pigged out. It was awesome. That's what they get for trying to cut in line. Seminoles rule!”

Afterward, Brown defended the agency’s actions, saying they were simply acting out of “an abundance of caution.”

“Look, this agency has been under fire lately, and we just wanted to err on the side of caution,” Brown told Katie Couric on Good Morning America. “We heard ‘hurricane’ and we immediately mobilized. The good news is, it wasn’t a totally wasted trip. We actually saved a kid who drank too much. We airlifted him from the parking lot. The next day he was like ‘Wow thanks! You guys saved me!’ Turns out he was about to hook up with the nastiest girl on campus and we swooped in just in time. So at least there’s one ultra-catastrophe that we were able to prevent.”