Female Golfer Blasted For Not Being Pretty

TAMPA, FL--Laura Godfrey, a golfer on the LPGA tour, was blasted yesterday for her failure to be pretty. The portly Godfrey is frumpy, overweight, and oddly pear-shaped, and she’s doing “virtually nothing” to improve her appearance. Tour officials are considering a suspension and/or fine.

“Miss Godfrey is not the kind of woman we want representing the LPGA,” said Karen Durkin, LPGA senior vice president and marketing director. “She has continuously refused to improve her appearance through dieting, plastic surgery, or even extreme makeover. We’re trying to change our image and let America know that we can be sexy, too. Obviously, nobody is going to pay attention to a bunch of un-sexy women. Yea, Linda is a fine golfer. Great. That and a buck will get you a cup of coffee.”

The LPGA has been attempting to shed its image as a haven for tomboy-ish, chubby women with no fashion sense. Last month, each woman on the tour was forced to attend a seminar called Personal Style, in which fashion experts gave the golfers tips on how to present themselves. Fashion designer Vera Wang, cosmetics giant Trish McEvoy, InStyle editor Hal Rubenstein, and others instructed the golfers on how to appear more presentable on the course and on television. The move was all part of the LPGA’s campaign to market its players to a mainstream sports audience.

“Laura is being profoundly difficult,” said Ty Votaw, LPGA commissioner, who spearheaded the new marketing strategy. “She’s an excellent golfer, which means she’ll be highly visible to the media and fans. The fact that she’s ugly is beyond her control. We can’t kick her off the tour for that—we already looked into it. But she could do more to look attractive. She dresses like a goddamn schoolteacher. I’m prettier than she is, and I’m a man. This is unacceptable.”

The LPGA’s marketing campaign has sparked a flurry of debate over whether non-pretty women have a right to appear in public places like golf courses. Votaw’s strategy, which has been embraced by many female golfers, aims to eliminate unattractive women with no fashion sense from the mainstream sports landscape.

“Women don’t necessarily have to be good at anything other than being sexy and appealing,” said Votek. “Being a good golfer is one thing, but to be a celebrity, especially a female one, you have to look good. Where does Miss Godfrey get off being a dog? Have you seen the mug on that chick? My goodness, she should be hiding in an underground bunker, not representing the LPGA.”

He added: “We are not living in the old days when supremely unattractive women like Martina Navratilova, Billie Jean King, and Nancy Lopez could become popular and beloved celebrities. Think about all the female athletes you’re aware of. Now – how many of them are ugly? None. See my point?”

Votek cited the WNBA as a good example of a league that has been proactive in promoting its players in a way that would attract male viewers. The league paid for a series of advertisements that featured its players in sexy dresses, makeup, and skimpy bathing suits.

“Now that’s what I call marketing,” said Votek. “They took those broads, dolled em all up, put them in evening gowns, and displayed them like trophies. They airbrushed them too, and used quick camera shots to give the impression that all these average girls are miraculous beauties. Quick, when was the last time you saw a male sports star getting a makeover and posing half naked, saying ‘This is who we are?’ There is a double standard, and we’re happy to reinforce that. What choice do we have? It’s either conform or die.”

For now, Votek and the board of directors are brainstorming to come up with ways to make Godfrey more attractive, or at least provide a distraction for her glaring non-prettiness. Several ideas have been floated, including such extreme measures as hiring Britney Spears to follow her from hole to hole, kidnapping her and subjecting her to a mandatory makeover, or simply placing a brown paper bag over her head. No agreement has been reached.

Godfrey herself is taking it all in stride. The fat, disheveled golf pro said she plans to keep doing what she’s doing, and if the LPGA doesn’t like it, they can kick her off the tour.

“I understand what they’re doing and why they’re doing it, but I won’t have any part of it,” said Godfrey. “If you’re a woman and you want to be rich and famous, you need to be pretty or you’re screwed. But me, I just want to play golf. It’s what I love to do. I don’t pay much attention to how I dress or how pretty I am, but I’m happy with the way I look. Is that so wrong? I guess it is.”