Ferocious Fanged Wildcat Thinks He’d Make A Great Mascot

AFRICA--Deep in the jungles of Africa lives one of the fastest, most dangerous, most fearsome animals in all the world. The spotted leopard, a carnivorous predator who is known to tear his prey to pieces with his jagged teeth, thinks he’d make a great mascot for a sports team.

“You’ve got the Jaguars and the Bears and the Lions in football, not to mention the Panthers,” said the leopard. “In baseball you have the Tigers and Diamondbacks, and in the NBA they just named a team the Bobcats. But where are the Leopards? That’s what I wanna know.”

Indeed, naming a team after a wild animal is currently in vogue. Prior to the Texans, the last three expansion teams in sports were the Panthers, Jaguars, and Diamondbacks. When it was announced that the NBA would be adding a new franchise in Charlotte, the leopard thought for sure it was his time.

“I thought, ‘Well they’re running out of murderous wild cats',” said the leopard. “This is my time. But I forgot about the bobcat. Fucking bobcat. I just ate a bobcat yesterday for dinner.“

Adding to the humiliation for the leopard is the number of teams named after animals that are “total fags.”

“The Arizona Cardinals,” the leopard said mockingly. “The Toronto Blue Jays. Blue Jays! The Mighty Ducks – no comment. Oh, and how bout the Green Bay Packers? Yea, I’d love to field a team full of fat meat packers. Not to mention they’re union, which means they probably don’t even do meatpacking very well. And don’t even get me started on the Dolphins. ‘People of the sea’ my ass. More like ‘Pussies of the sea.’”

One comment that particularly exasperated the leopard was made by Charlotte owner Bob Johnson, who said, “All the good sports names are gone. We’re running out of things to call teams.” Johnson’s comments seem to reflect the thoughts of many sports executives, particularly those in newer leagues like the WNBA and Major League Soccer, who have taken to using names that are vague and ambiguous.

Said the leopard: “I’m not saying I want a WNBA team named after me, but what are they thinking anyway? The Liberty? The Fire? The Galaxy? What’s the mascot for a team called ‘the Fire’, a bic lighter? Same thing with soccer. They’d rather name their team The United than the Leopards. Look at me. I’m ferocious. Grrrrrr! Isn’t that scary? Wouldn’t you be more scared to face a leopard than a galaxy?”

The leopard is concerned that his species of bloodthirsty wildcats is not getting enough publicity in the mainstream media. Networks like the Discovery Channel and Fox have neglected the leopard in favor of more fashionable predators like sharks and snakes.

“What’s up with the Discovery Channel’s shark fetish? Jesus Christ, they’re not the only man- eating creatures out there. And how about Fox’s When Animals Attack? I see bears, I see snakes, I see alligators. I think last week they had a runaway ferret. But where are the leopards? I can attack with the best of em. Bring that Crocodile Hunter in here. I’ll rip his frigging eyes out.”

The leopard may get his chance to audition. National Geographic is reportedly setting out for the African plains next month to begin filming a documentary about the social behavior of wild jungle cats. The leopard is hoping that he or one of his “associates” will get some face time.

“This could be a real boon for us leopards,” he said. “I’m gonna tell everyone I know how to ham it up when the cameras are on. I know how they love that footage of us gnawing on bloody carcasses. Hopefully, we can get some face time and we’ll start getting a little more recognition like those goddamn sharks who, incidentally, have a hockey team named after them.”

The leopard also looks forward to a chance to feast on some humans.

“I really need to start killing more people and eating them. That’s why sharks are so glamorous now. They’re sick fucks. But hey, I’ve killed people before. I’ve killed lots of tribesman, but nobody really cares about that. Christ, how many people do you need to kill to have a sports team named after you?”