Fire In Anna Kournikova’s Shrubs Kills 7

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - A fire at Anna Kournikova’s Beverly Hills mansion took the lives of seven people yesterday. The blaze started in the shrubs underneath the tennis star’s bedroom window and engulfed the men who were crouching there. Kournikova, who was sleeping at the time, expressed her condolences to the victims of the tragic fire.

“I wish to extend my sympathy to the families of those men who were crouching in my bushes when the fire started,” Kournikova said. “I can only imagine what was going through their heads when they died. Perhaps they were regretting hiding in my shrubs and masturbating.”

Fire officials say the fire probably started when one of the men attempted to extinguish a cigarette among the dry leaves and twigs surrounding the house. Once the fire was ignited, it quickly spread and engulfed the hedges, leaving the seven men no time to escape.

“I always tell those guys to be careful with the cigarettes,” said Kournikova. “Some of them smoke like chimneys, and I knew that eventually we would have a tragedy on our hands. That’s why I put the ‘No Smoking’ sign out there.”

Lance Peterson, Beverly Hills fire chief, described the scene as ‘grizzly’ and said the last few moments of the men’s lives were probably spent frantically trying to pull their pants up.

“We’ve pieced it all together, and the way I see it, the seven men were engulfed in flames pretty quick. Five of them died with their pants around their ankles, so you have to believe that hindered their ability to flee. It’s just terrible that a routine stalking could turn into such a tragedy. I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways.”

City officials are wondering how the incident was allowed to take place, and how a similar incident could be prevented in the future.

“This is clearly a terrible oversight by fire safety officials,” said Beverly Hills Mayor Tom Levyn. “This tragedy could’ve been avoided. Knowing that stalkers regularly crouch in Miss Kournikova’s bushes, fire officials should’ve inspected the area to make sure it was safe. Miss Kournikova’s shrubs should be subject to the same stringent regulations as any other public gathering spot. And where was the fire extinguisher?”

Levyn was also disappointed that no crowd control measures had been put in place for the hedges.

“Obviously, seven people is too high a number to be crouching in such a small area. To my understanding, these gentlemen were packed like sardines to the point where they had to elbow each other out of the way to make room. Also, where were the glowing exit signs? How could our safety officials have dropped the ball so badly?”

The legal ramifications of the fire could be severe. Families of the victims want to know how something like this could happen, especially at such a high profile gathering place as the shrubs underneath Anna Kournikova’s window.

“My son took me to this spot three months ago to show me his new hobby," said Dale Krantz, father of 23-year-old victim Kyle Krantz. “It was a fun place, but it was so crowded, you could hardly move. We were jammed in like sardines. The first thing that popped into my mind was ‘What if there’s a fire in here?’ They should’ve at least provided ashtrays for people to put their cigarettes out in. But no, they had to put up ‘No Smoking’ signs, as if that was gonna be a deterrent. These people are kneeling in somebody’s bushes with their pants down watching them sleep. Do you think a no smoking sign is going to faze them?”

Fire and security officials both indicated that they would launch a full investigation into the matter. They would also survey the rest of Kournikova’s property for potential trouble spots.

“We’ve got a lot of work to do here,” said [fire chief] Peterson. “We’ve got to comb the grounds of this place and make sure any areas generally used for stalking and peeping are safe. We may have to write some new, special fire codes that pertain specifically to the grounds of this estate. We also may have to cut down that big palm tree outside her bathroom window. As of now, there are nine people in that tree with binoculars, digital cameras, and Kleenex. There are no safety regulations in place there, and those palm trees could go up in flames in no time.”

He added: “If these guys are so bent on whacking off to Anna, they should just buy a fucking calendar like the rest of us.”