SAN FRANCISCO--During the 2006 offseason, the NFL introduced a new “flexible scheduling” system, which allows the league to tinker with the schedule during the season in order to ensure only the best match-ups are shown during prime time. The league also announced that it will utilize the new system to eliminate all remaining San Francisco 49er games, thereby ensuring the overall quality of play remains at a high level.

“This new flexible scheduling system gives us a lot of options,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell. “It allows us to shift the starting times of our best match-ups to Sunday night, but it also allows us to trim some of the fat off the schedule. In this case ‘the fat’ means the San Francisco 49ers. Don’t take it personal, guys. It’s just business. The good news is we’re going to count the rest of your games as losses, so you can have the top draft pick next year. Hint: take a defender, preferably one with a criminal record, so you can have at least one person on that team with a set of balls.”

According to Goodell, every NFL owner voted in favor of eliminating the 49ers from the schedule, including 49ers owner John York.

“It was unanimous,” Goodell said. “I think it was kind of a no-brainer. The 49ers are utterly hopeless, and they’re not even hopeless in an interesting way like the Arizona Cardinals. They’re hopeless in a who-gives-a-shit, what-else-is-on-TV sort of way. Even John York can see that. He was like ‘Thank you for having mercy on us, Mr. Commissioner.’ Then he immediately got on his cell phone and called his coach Mike Nolan and said ‘It’s over.’ He had tears in his eyes. It was actually really moving considering he’s a robot and all.”

For the remainder of the season, all teams that were scheduled to play the 49ers will be given a bye week and a free victory. Season ticket holders will also receives refunds for the lost games. The cost and inconvenience of giving the refunds are a small price to pay for a chance to take the rest of the season off and regroup, says York.

“This is actually a boon for us, even though it’s a little embarrassing,” said York. “We definitely need some time to catch our breath and assess exactly what went wrong this year. We have a lot of work ahead of us to get back on the right track. And yes, we’re keeping our head coach. Why wouldn’t we? He works cheap, he never complains, and, because of some kind of unidentified mental disorder, he stills believes in his players.”

Coach Mike Nolan expressed disappointment about being eliminated from the schedule, but isn’t planning on packing it in just yet.

“It’s a terrible thing to be spurned like this, but instead of complaining about it, we’re going to make the most of it,” said Nolan, who has compiled a 6-17 record since taking over the job in 2005. “We’re going to hold practices, we’re going to study film, and we’re going to play scrimmages against each other. See, this adversity is only going to make us stronger. Next year, we will NOT be eliminated from the schedule halfway through the season! How’s that for a rallying cry? I’m having it printed up on t-shirts to hand out to the players.”

For the remainder of the Niners opponents, the NFL’s decision to cut the hapless team has been a godsend. Those who criticized the new flexible schedule are now singing its praises.

“I tell you, when I first heard about this flexible schedule thing I was a little annoyed,” said Vikings coach Brad Childress, whose team was slated to meet the Niners next week. “But now I’m starting to have a change of heart. That extra bye week is really going to help us next week. Yet I can’t help but be a little saddened at how far the 49ers have fallen. What an embarrassment. See, that’s why I came to the Vikings. They understand that if you stay consistently mediocre all the time, you’ll never have to experience these epic collapses.”

“Hey, don’t laugh,” he added. “We sell out every game. As far as ownership is concerned, we’re doing just as good as the Patriots.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - This article is satire and is not intended as actual news. Do not reprint without permission.