Football Fans Purchase Chunky Soup Just To Shut Donovan McNabb Up

PHILADELPHIA, PA--Donovan McNabb finally got his wish today when football fans across America agreed to purchase Campbell’s Chunky Soup in order to shut him up. McNabb and his mom, Wilma, have been promoting the soup relentlessly in a series of television commercials and viewers are finally crying “no mas.”

“Ok. Ok, I’ll buy the frigging soup, all right? Jesus, just shut the fuck up about it,” said Philadelphia resident Ted Thorlakson, 32. “Every time I watch football I have to endure about two dozen Chunky Soup commercials. It doesn’t even look that great, but if it’ll shut these people up I’ll buy it. Mmmm…yum yum. I love Chunky Soup. There, now can I be left alone?”

Convenience stores all over the country have reported a sharp increase in Chunky Soup sales over the past week as the will of the nation’s football fans has finally been broken. The ferocious ad assault, once considered excessive and annoying, is now paying big dividends.

“Holy fuck, OK! I’ll buy it!” yelled Gene Reddik, 24, of Mt Vernon, NY, after viewing yet another McNabb commercial on Sunday. “I swear to God I will purchase mass amounts of this gruel just to shut that asshole up. I tried for years to resist, but what’s the point? They’re just going to keep hounding me until I submit. That Wilma McNabb is one persuasive broad. I bet she never had any trouble getting Donovan to clean his plate when he was kid. She probably just annoyed the shit out of him until he finally cracked.”

Executives at Campbell have promised to curb the advertisements if a sharp enough increase in sales is seen in the coming months. Judging from the rush of Chunky Soup purchases this past week, they won’t be disappointed.

“We are experiencing a very high sales volume right now,” said Shannon Irby, director of marketing for Campbell’s. “It looks like our strategy to totally saturate the airwaves with our fun and informative commercials is paying off. By popular demand we have agreed to slow down the ads if our sales goals are met. We’re prepared to do that. But if the demands are not met, it’s on to Phase 2, which involves sending Donovan and his mom directly to consumers’ homes with a truckload of soup and a shotgun.”

McNabb said he would be happy to do fewer commercials and he thanked consumers for purchasing Chunky Soup.

“I want to thank everyone for going out and buying this soup,” McNabb said at a press conference yesterday. “It’s good to see that our awareness raising campaign is paying off. I know in my heart of hearts that Campbell’s Chunky is delicious soup that can actually eat just like a meal. A lot of people don’t realize that, and I think they’re minds get blown when they try to comprehend something so awesome. Now excuse me while I take a spoonful of this wonderful food item. Man, this shit is fucking good.”

He also pointed out that the soup comes in a variety of flavors, perfectly suitable for everyone in your family.

“You got classic chicken noodle, minestrone, clam chowder, Italian wedding, and even chunky beef stew,” he said. “There’s a flavor for everyone. Personally, I like the chunky beef stew, because it fills me up and gives me the energy I need to excel on the football field. Then again, if you want to vomit in disgust and get some kind of intestinal parasite, try the clam chowder.”

For now, the soup commercials will continue to run during NFL games until consumers have fulfilled their obligation to purchase Campbell’s in mass quantities. If the soup company’s quota is not met, NFL viewers can expect even more spots.

“We’re considering a 24-hour Campbell’s Chunky Soup channel,” she said. “And it would be mandatory, too. Like if you didn’t watch it you wouldn’t be allowed to watch football games. We could make some kind of agreement with the NFL. Oh, and don’t think they wouldn’t do it. It was their idea.”