CINCINNATI--The Cincinnati Bengals had a chance to get themselves in the playoffs on Sunday by beating the Pittsburgh Steelers at home, but instead they turned in a mistake-filled performance resulting in an overtime loss. After the game, many Bengals players admitted to being distracted by the recent death of former US President Gerald Ford.

“This past week has been an emotional roller coaster ride,” said wide receiver Chris Henry. “When we found at the President Ford died it really knocked us for a loop. Coach Lewis tried to get us to focus, but it was hard. I mean, President Ford, man, this is the guy who signed the Helsinki Accords. He appointed John Paul Stevens to the Supreme Court. And then he just ups and dies? Obviously it’s going to affect you.”

Henry then credited the Steelers for being able to maintain their focus in the face of the tragedy.

“My hat’s off to them,” he said. “They didn’t let it distract them. Call it good coaching or whatever, but they were able to channel their love for President Ford onto the football field. Not that I’m criticizing our coach or anything. He’s great. A little timid, though. I mean it might be nice to try to advance the ball at the end of regulation instead of taking a knee and entrusting your shitty kicker to hit a 39-yard field goal. But it’s not like it was a big game or anything.”

The players were informed of the president’s passing during a team meeting on Tuesday. Afterward, they cruised half-heartedly through practice, a trend that continued throughout the week.

“Coach Lewis broke the news to us in a team meeting,” said quarterback Carson Palmer. “One minute we were thinking about X’s and O’s, and the next minute we were thinking of the death of a president. Needless to say it was a somber atmosphere. It was especially tough because we were just getting over the death of James Brown. Man, first James Brown, then Gerald Ford, then our season. I guess death really does come in threes.”

Palmer believes the team could learn a lot from the life of Ford and his wife, Betty.

“I think there’s a lot that this team can take from the way he lived his life and the way his wife lived hers,” said Palmer. “Certainly I’m going to spend a lot of time reflecting on that in the offseason. As God is my witness, Gerald Ford will not die in vain! Now there’s a phrase you don’t hear too often in an NFL locker room.”

Marvin Lewis said he tried everything he could to keep the mood light during the week, but he couldn’t lift the malaise that was hanging over his team.

“A couple times during the week I showed the team a funny movie to brighten their spirits, but it didn’t seem to do much,” said Lewis. “Then I tried to remind them that President Ford was a courageous man who would have wanted us to go out and give it a 110 percent. He wouldn’t be sitting here making excuses. But the team decided to make excuses anyway. Apparently I’m not a very persuasive speaker. Oh well. Not everybody is cut out to be an NFL head coach.”

Not all Bengals players are using Ford’s death as an excuse. For Chad Johnson, there is no excuse for turning in a half hearted effort in the biggest game of the year.

“I don’t think we should be sitting here whining about some outside distractions,” said Johnson. “Everybody has distractions. Our biggest problem was all the mistakes we made. We beat ourselves out there. What, we were distracted by Gerald Ford? Please. That’s not a legitimate excuse. Plus, Gerald Ford was partly responsible for the massacre in East Timor, so screw him. And he pardoned Richard Nixon. Yes, I've been reading Slate today.”


Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.