NEW YORK--Most Americans, regardless of age, gender, or race, would accept an NFL team slapping the franchise tag on them, according to a poll conducted by Opinion Research Corp. NFL players, on the other hand, generally regard the franchise tag as a curse, as it limits them to a one-year deal at an amount equal to the average of the top five salaries at their position.

Experts say the discrepancy can be attributed to the fact that most Americans are broke.

“For an NFL player, being tagged a ‘franchise player’ is a nightmare,” said Edward Dovido, a Princeton University professor who helped conduct the poll. “It means you’re only getting a one-year deal and you’ll have to settle for the 8 to 12 million dollar average salary for your position. NFL players avoid this like the plague. Regular Americans, however, have a vastly different view of the franchise tag and would gladly accept having it applied to them by an NFL team. The reason? It’s a lot of money, and regular Americans are greedy little trolls.”

According to Dovido, 100 percent of non-NFL players responded with a “yes” when asked if they would approve of the franchise tag, even if the average salary worked out for less than their perceived market value.

“Market value, length of contract, signing bonus – nothing matters to these people,” Dovido said. “All they want to do is receive that check and cash it without even looking at the big picture. In fact, 98 percent of respondents said they would happily play for any team for any amount of time at the league minimum. 89 percent of those said they would even play on the practice squad for next to nothing. 47 percent of those asked me if they could borrow 50 dollars until Tuesday.”

Among the NFL players who have been “franchised” this year are Patriots cornerback Asante Samuel, Colts defensive end Dwight Freeney, and Bears linebacker Lance Briggs. All three players have grudgingly accepted the tag, but are hoping to secure a long term contract in the near future.

“It’s stinks but it’s part of the game,” said Samuel, who led the Patriots in interceptions this year. “You just hope that this is the first step towards getting a long term contract and a signing bonuses, which is what everybody is after. Long term contracts are good because you can get locked up for seven or eight years, and signing bonuses are good because long term contracts are bullshit and you’ll need some guaranteed money for when you get cut.”

Samuel said he understood why fans find the franchise tag appealing, despite its obvious drawbacks. When told about the poll, he explained that most Americans would feel the same way as NFL players if they were in a similar position.

“Obviously if you tell some Joe six-pack that he’s getting nine million bucks, he’ll jump around like he won the lottery,” said Samuel. “But if he was an NFL player and were aware of the market value for an upper echelon player, and how much cash the teams have at their disposal, he would be scratching and clawing for every penny like the rest of us. Are NFL players out of touch? Probably, but we work our whole life to get this out of touch. Being this out of touch is the American dream.”

Dovido, however, disagreed with Samuel’s statement, and insisted it’s the American people who are out of touch, not the professional athletes.

“These people have no idea what they’re talking about,” said Dovido. “Only an idiot would be happy to receive the franchise tag. So you get the average salary of the Top 5 players at your position. Who cares? You still have to go through another whole season in a contract year, which means you have to bust your ass again, and show up for every meeting again, and be the teacher’s pet again, before cashing in and then going on cruise control for the rest of your career. That’s why players hate the franchise tag. One year of balls-out effort is enough.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.