HOUSTON, TX--According to several MLB sources, free agent centerfielder Carlos Beltran has narrowed his choice of teams down to whichever one has the most money. That leaves the Yankees, Mets, and Astros as the favorites, while the Cubs and Tigers each have an outside chance.

“We’ve spoken with many clubs and Carlos has decided that the team he goes to must have a lot of money,” said agent Scott Boras. “That’s definitely one of his top priorities. Now that we’ve narrowed the choices down to a select few, we’ll examine each and determine which one is the richest. But we’ll look at other factors, too, like how fiscally irresponsible they are. The team most willing to panic and overpay my client will be the most likely to win his services.”

Beltran has indicated his willingness to re-sign with the Houston Astros, but it is widely assumed that if another team outbids them, Beltran will follow the money. Boras confirmed those rumors today.

“Yes, that’s right. Carlos would love to go back to Houston, but only if they have the money,” said Boras. “Otherwise he’ll go to the Yankees or Mets. This is just a way for us to streamline the process and keep the losers away.”

Boras said that his client was impressed with all the teams he’s met with, but only one of them will be able to win the bidding war.

“First off, let me say that the Houston Astros are a class organization,” he said. “They’ve treated Carlos with an enormous amount of respect and he’s had a very enjoyable time there. He’d like nothing more to go back there, provided they pay him enough money. If they get outbid by so much as a dollar, he’s gone. A penny, even. Hell, if another team provides a better pen to sign the contract, he’s gone. That’s the kind of person you’re getting if you sign Carlos Beltran.”

The process that Beltran and Boras used to evaluate ballclubs was complex and multi-layered. First they put together a list of qualities that Beltran would look for in an employer. Then they did a detailed analysis of each team, comparing their attributes with Beltran’s list to see which came closest to meeting his expectations. According to the complex equation, the New York Yankees are the top candidate.

“Well, Carlos had to sit down and really think about what he wanted in a new team,” said Boras. “There are so many factors at play here that you can’t just flip a coin and pick one team. So after much deliberation, Carlos and I listed the things that are most important to him. First off was money, of course. Second was financial security. Third was bonuses and incentives. Lastly, we had to ask some important questions, like how desperate each team was to make some kind of splash in the offseason. Right now the club that most fits that profile is the Yankees. Next in line is the Mets. But you never know, the Astros could jump right back into it with an absurd, over-the-top offer.”

The Astros have maintained all along that they have an advantage over other suitors because of the positive experience Beltran had while playing in Houston. They have aggressively courted their centerfielder using a variety of methods, including a video presentation showcasing the benefits of living in Houston. Owner Drayton McLane Jr. still feels that Beltran can be swayed by factors other than money.

“We feel like we could get some kind of hometown discount,” said McLane. “We’re very confident that Carlos will want to stay in Houston. He knows what a great franchise we have, what a wonderful city Houston is to live and work in, and most of all he feels an immense amount of loyalty to the fans here who have embraced him. Oh, and we’re also offering him 70 million fucking dollars.”

Complicating matters for the Astros is the fact that Beltran and Boras met with the New York Yankees last week. While the Yankees haven’t formerly made an offer yet, GM Brian Cashman said it would almost certainly surpass the $70 million offered by the Astros.

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