Ray Lewis Makes Dramatic, Game-Saving Tackle In New Nestle Crunch Commercial

BALTIMORE, MD - Ray Lewis has done it again. The intense, multi-talented linebacker made a dramatic game-saving tackle as time was winding down to restore his team’s Superbowl victory. Only this time, it wasn’t a game situation, but a brand new commercial for Nestle Buncha Crunch caramel chocolate bars. The linebacker has plenty of time to shoot commercials now that his team, the Baltimore Ravens, has been eliminated from playoff contention.

“He made that hit like only Ray can,” said Gordon McLean, Nestle CEO. “He is such an intense, high level competitor with a great feel for the game. His tough, rugged, in-your-face attitude goes perfect with the crunchy crisped rice and smooth Nestle chocolate of our new Buncha Crunch bars.”

The exciting new ad features Lewis lining up at his linebacker position wearing a nondescript purple and black uniform, while the opposing quarterback barks out the signals. The camera focuses on Lewis’s sweaty face and glowering brow as he zeroes in on his next victim, a running back wearing the blue-on-blue uniform of the Tennessee Titans. The ball is snapped and the back slashes through the line of scrimmage and into the secondary. He has the end zone in his sights, but is promptly leveled by Ray Lewis as time winds down, preserving a victory for the pseudo-Ravens. Lewis quickly jumps up, stares into the camera, and declares “When I need that extra edge for a goal line stand, I turn to the new Nestle Buncha Crunch bars. It’s got chocolate, crisped rice, and smooth, creamy caramel. Me and my dogs eat two each before game, and so should you. Why? Because I said so.”

“Wow, did you see that hit? What an amazing player. As soon as we came out with these crazy, extreme chocolate bars, we knew Ray Lewis would be the perfect pitchman,” said McLean. “He’s boastful, arrogant, violent – and he’s also available, since his season is over. Hopefully, when people see Ray pushing our candy bars, they’ll be frightened into purchasing them.”

The popular Lewis is a spokesman for a variety of products. From athletic apparel to sports drinks, the linebacker has carved a place for himself in the lucrative field of product endorsement, and become one of America’s most coveted pitchmen. After last weekend’s heartbreaking loss to the archival Titans, Lewis immediately contacted his agent and told him he was available for commercials.

“He told me he was bored and wanted to get out of the house,” said his agent, Roosevelt Barnes. “He also said he was really pissed off and wanted to hit somebody. I took that into consideration when working out the deal with Nestle. I told them that Ray would refuse to do any commercial that didn’t involve him laying the lumber to some poor, unsuspecting quarterback or running back. Did you see the hit he put on that guy? He must be one of the best middle linebackers to ever play the game. That actor looked like he was hit by a truck.”

The running back, Donald Cohen, claims that Lewis took the commercial “way to seriously”, and that he actually sustained an injury during one of the takes.

“Ouch. Ouch, I can’t even talk,” said Cohen from his hospital bed. “Fucker. We had to do 12 takes and this asshole really laid into me every time. The director distinctly told him to go easy on me, and lay me down softly. He said that they could add sound effects to give the impression that it was a bone crunching hit. But Ray didn’t give a shit. He drilled me into the ground over and over again. One time, he even called me ‘Eddie.’ Fucking weirdo.”

Vincente Borghese, director of the ad, agrees that Lewis may have gotten a bit carried away.

“Ray is a great guy to work with,” said Borghese. “He’s just a little intense, that’s all. He really gets into his role, sort of like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, only much, much scarier. Sometimes it’s hard to deal with, but it’s the price you pay. The gangster-thug-murderer image is perfect for our new Buncha Crunch bars.”

Unfortunately, there are times when Lewis’s violent personality does not fit with the spirit of the advertisement. One such incident occurred during the filming of a United Way commercial. Lewis was offered a chance to do the spot as a way to satisfy the league community service policy, which requires each player to perform at least ten hours of charity work a year. The results were disastrous, as Lewis sent eight small children to the emergency room.

“Oh, that was a mistake,” said Philip Jones, United Way spokesman. “Maybe we should be more careful when we’re choosing NFL players to work with kids. Some of these guys are just a little…well, how should I put this? They’re fucked. Totally fucked. And Ray is the worst of the lot.”

Jones went on to describe a scene where Lewis flew into a rage after an 8-year-old boy forgot his lines. After the director said ‘Cut’ Lewis reportedly began belittling the child for “not being prepared” and “not being properly focused.”

“He was like ‘Fuck you, you little shit! You will not disrespect me in my house!’ I’m like ‘First of all, this is not your house. It’s the set of a commercial.’ That did it. That set him off. He started throwing chairs and kicking over tables and tossing little kids around like they were bags of dirt. The poor kids were screaming and crying, but Ray just seemed out of control. Did you ever see the Hulk? It was like that. Anyway, we need to do a better job screening these guys before we put them in commercials.”