DALLAS--The Dallas Cowboys agreed to pay their offensive coordinator, Jason Garrett, close to $3 million per year last week, making him the highest paid nobody in the league. The big nobody is now making around the same amount of money as his boss, head coach Wade Phillips.

Garrett, who also considered offers from the Falcons and Ravens, said he was happy to stay on with the Dallas Cowboys.

“I love it here and I’m happy to be staying,” Garrett told reporters. “This is a top notch organization and it’s just a privilege to be a part of it. Plus, where else could I make this kind of money as an assistant? All I do is tell a bunch of super talented players which way to run, and now I’m the richest little nobody in the whole league. How bout them Cowboys!”

Garrett’s salary is all the more impressive when you consider that just two years ago, he was a lowly quarterback coach for the Miami Dolphins.

“If you told me two years ago that I was going to be one of the highest paid coaches in the league in 2008, I would have said you were nuts,” Garrett said. “But I have to hand it to Mr. Jones. He stepped up to the plate and made me feel appreciated. Now I can go about my job without having to worry that other guys, like my head coach, are making more money than me. And I’ve also been promised the head coaching job when Wade [Phillips] gets fired – I mean, rides off into the sunset after winning the Super Bowl.”

Some have speculated that Garrett’s new deal will create friction between himself and Phillips, but Phillips himself says that’s not the case. In fact, it was Phillips who urged Jones to do “whatever it takes” to retain Garrett.

Said Phillips: “I told Jerry that we have to hold onto this guy no matter what. I certainly wasn’t worried about my own salary. The only thing I care about is that we’ve retained one of the best offensive minds in the game. And if you doubt that he's an offensive genius, just look at the way Marion Barber runs people over out there. Before Jason came around, he used to do hook slides to avoid being tackled.”

Phillips also said he’s not concerned about his job security.

“There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that I am on the ‘hot seat,’” Phillips said. “I am not on the hot seat. Hell, we went 13-3 this year. Sure, we came up short in the playoffs, but is that my fault? No. It’s just that the Giants happened to be a hot team and they ran right through us. I bet they’d trade that playoff win for a red-hot, up-and-coming offensive coordinator.”

Garrett’s pay increase could have profound effects on other nobodies around the league, especially the ones employed by the Dallas Cowboys. Special teams coach Bruce Read is already making noise about a new contract, and others could soon follow suit.

“This is such a great opportunity for other assistants around the league,” Read said today . “Hopefully Jerry will show me a little love with a nice, shiny new contract. After all, I am one of the brightest young special teams coaches in the game. Remember, I made Nick Folk. That little shit wouldn’t be able to strap on a helmet if it wasn’t for me.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.