Gary Payton Demands Trade Back To 1995 Seattle Supersonics

LOS ANGELES, CA--These are troubled times for the Los Angeles Lakers. On the heels of Shaquille O’Neil’s trade demand and Phil Jackson’s retirement, the franchise received another blow when point guard Gary Payton demanded a trade back to the 1995 Seattle Supersonics. Payton, who has been frustrated by Phil Jackson’s triangle offense, said he’s had enough and wants out.

“I want out, and I want out now,” Payton told the Los Angeles Times on Friday. “This triangle offense isn’t for me. Hell, this town isn’t even for me. I really want to go back to Seattle, but not the team they have right now. I’d much rather go back to 1995, when we won 64 games and had [Shawn] Kemp, [Hersey] Hawkins, and [Detlef] Schrempf. Yea, those were the good old days. We were in the finals you know. Anyway, let’s make this trade happen.”

Payton backed up his demand by threatening to return next season and “stink up the place.”

“If I’m not traded, I’ll come back next year and pick up where I left off,” he said. “I’ll be selfish, I won’t learn or understand the triangle offense, I’ll complain, and I’ll suck defensively. In fact, I may even be a step slower, if it’s at all possible. So if I were Mitch Kupchak, I’d trade me immediately.”

Sources around the league were surprised at Payton’s trade demand. The 36-year-old has lost a step or two, and still has a year remaining on his contract. It was widely believed that he would play out the rest of his deal and then retire.

One GM is questioning Payton’s integrity, intelligence, and sanity.

“I find it hard to swallow that this guy would come here, sign a deal to win a championship, and then refuse to honor that deal,” said the GM, who asked not to be identified. “The fact that he could come out and demand a trade to a division rival is despicable. He should be ashamed of himself. Today’s players really have no integrity. Oh, and one more thing: How the fuck is he going to get traded to the 95 Sonics?’

Payton’s agent, Aaron Goodwin, defended his client’s wish to be traded. At this stage in his career, Goodwin said, Payton should be able to play wherever he wants. When asked how Payton expected to be traded to a team that no longer exists, Goodwin sidestepped the question.

“Look, Gary has paid his dues. He’s been in this league an awful long time, and for someone to question his integrity is a little insulting,” said Goodwin. “Gary wants to win, he wants to be part of a solid team, and he wants to um…help kids and stuff. As far as his going to the 95 Sonics, what’s the big deal? Wouldn’t you want to relive the best days of your life if you could? I know I would. What do you mean, how’s it going to happen? Don’t ask me. Ask Mitch. He’s the GM.”

Goodwin may not be able to sidestep the issue much longer. With Payton’s demand the talk of LA, experts around the nation are beginning to question his sanity.

Those experts were given more to wonder about when Payton was spotted in a LA area supermarket wearing his vintage 95 Sonics retro-jersey. One fan that encountered Payton at the supermarket described him as “confused.”

“I saw him in the produce section talking to a head of lettuce,” said Gary Liston, 33. “I recognized him immediately, especially since he was wearing a basketball uniform. I walked up to him looking to get an autograph, and when he saw me coming he smiled and said ‘Detlef! How’ve you been?’ I know I’m tall and white, but I’ve never been compared to that guy before. Then he hugged me. Then he told me he was just talking to Coach Karl. When he said that, he held up the head of lettuce. Yes, that’s right. He thought the head of lettuce was George Karl. But I guess that’s better than mistaking George Karl for a head of lettuce.”

The trade demand will probably not be met, despite Payton’s insistence. Kupchak has already noted that the Seattle Supersonics are not interested in retaining Payton and further noted that the 1995 team no longer exists. As for possible trades with other teams, Kupchak said that the chances are slim.

“Look, I’d trade the guy if I could, but I can’t,” he said. “Who’s going to want him? He makes a ton of money, he’s over the hill, and he’s a prick. Believe me, I’d unload him if I could. If I could leave him on some team’s doorstep, ring the bell, and run away I would. Hell, I’d build a time machine and send him back to 95 if I could. Come to think of it, if I had a time machine, I’d probably send myself back to two years ago when we were champions. Actually, if I had a time machine I’d probably go back to Roman times and watch all those muscular gladiators manhandle each other, but let’s not even get into that.”