Which Gay Major Leaguer Will Come Out In 2004?

NEW YORK - In recent years, homosexuality has become widely accepted throughout American pop culture. That tolerance has not touched Major League Baseball, however, where there are currently no openly gay players. Still, experts predict it is only a matter of time before these men step out of the closet. So the question remains: Of the four closeted gay players currently in the league - Mike Piazza, Andy Pettitte, J.D. Drew, and Derek Jeter - which will come out of the closet in 2004?

“My money’s on Piazza,” said one AL player, who asked not to be identified. “He hasn’t been very good at keeping the secret. Plus, he’s a real courageous guy. I think he’ll be the first guy to come out of the closet and open the door up for Jeter, Pettitte, and Drew.”

Piazza has been the subject of gay rumors in the past, but he has yet to come clean about his homosexual lifestyle. Still, he is the consensus favorite to come out of the closet in 2004.

“If I had to put money on someone, it would be Piazza,” said an AL manager. “He’s such a great player and a great person. Everyone already knows he’s gay and universally accepts him for it. So it’s just a formality for him to step up to the podium and admit it. Plus, we all know that since he’s a catcher he’s, well, a catcher – if you catch my drift. Wink wink.”

Despite the confidence of his fellow players, Piazza refuses to come out of the closet and has repeatedly stated that he’s not gay.

“I’m not coming out of the closet because I’m not gay,” Piazza said during a telephone interview yesterday. “I’m not gay, really. Jesus, you do a few shampoo commercials and all of a sudden the whole world thinks you’re taking it up the ass. It’s not my fault I have bitchin hair.”

While Piazza is the most popular choice, the three other gay players in the league – Jeter, Drew, and
Pettitte – all have their supporters.

“It’s a toss up for me. It’s either going to be Drew or Pettitte,” said the Yankees Bernie Williams. “Jeter has too much to lose by publicly declaring it. You know, endorsements and such. Plus, he really thinks he’s fooling people. Truly. At least with J.D. and Andy it’s obvious. I mean, look at the way Andy carries on with his ‘friend’ Roger Clemens. Why don’t they just move to Massachusetts and get married?”

One of Williams’ teammates, who asked not to be identified, agreed with his assessment.

“Definitely not Jeter. He’s too much of a pinup boy. He needs to be seen in public with beautiful girls all the time to maintain his image. Coming out of the closet is a hard thing to do, I imagine. I think Derek would just rather have everyone whispering that he’s gay, rather than saying it out loud.”

But, he added, the players do have a right to their privacy.

“Hey if these gay guys don’t want the public to know they're gay, they have a right to stay in the closet.”

Jeter himself, when reached for comment, asserted that he would not be coming out of the closet anytime soon.

“No way. I would never do that,” he said. “I’m not even gay. What every happened to accuracy in the media? I take exception with everyone accusing me of being a homo and urging me to come out of the closet. Trust me, if I were gay, I’d tell everyone. I’m Derek fucking Jeter. Nothing can taint my totally awesome image.”

He added: “Why don’t you talk to Bernie Williams? He plays smooth-jazz guitar. What’s gayer than that?”

With the gay issue taking front and center in the national sports media, it may be impossible for these four closeted gay players to stay under the radar much longer. Several media outlets are calling for “The Gay 4” to publicly declare their sexuality.

Pettitte was featured on the cover of a recent issue of Sports Illustrated with the headline “Will He Come Out?” Piazza was recently the subject of a piece on ESPN’s Outside the Lines about gay athletes, in which a panel of experts debated exactly when the Mets star would make his big announcement. Drew and Jeter were discussed on Around the Horn, with Max Kellerman concluding that J.D. Drew would be the first openly gay player.

For his part, Drew claims to be “100 percent” straight. The Braves outfielder says he has no intention of coming out of the closet, and that the rumors are just that – rumors.

“I don’t know why everyone thinks I’m gay. I’m not gay. Just because I’m handsome and well dressed doesn’t make me gay. That being said, if I was gay and was considering coming out of the closet, I would never do it while I was still playing baseball. It would be selfish and a distraction to my teammates. If, in fact, I was homosexual, I would come out of the closet during a blockbuster, tell-all interview with Bryant Gumbel on HBO’s Real Sports after I retire. But I’m not gay anyway.”

When Gumbel heard Drew’s comments, he immediately reached out to the rightfielder.

“I totally support Mr. Drew’s lifestyle and would be happy to let him on my show to come out of the closet,” Gumbel said in a press release issued Tuesday. “We here at Real Sports support gay rights and tolerance of all lifestyles, and believe that a gay man like J.D. Drew should be able to declare his sexuality with pride. Therefore, consider this an open invitation to Mr. Drew to sit down with me and confess his gayness. To show my support, I am even willing to confess my secret German Shepard fetish.”