Seemingly Normal Person Says Vick Should Have Genitals Fed To Dogs

TAMPA, FL--33-year-old human resources rep. Liz Wheeler stunned co-workers on Monday when she announced that Falcons QB Michael Vick should have his genitals chopped off and fed to a pack of wild dogs. The normally quiet, unassuming Wheeler, a dog lover, said she would pay “good money” to watch the incident and videotape it for posterity.

“You know what they should do to him?” Wheeler, a mother of two, asked co-worker Doug Kinsberg. “They should tie him down in a chair, cut off his balls, then feed them to a bunch of rabid pit bulls and make him watch the whole thing while he bleeds to death. How would that make him feel? I would pay to watch too, just like he paid to watch those poor dogs fight each other. I would pay a thousand dollars and I would videotape it and I would send a copy to his family so they could watch the whole thing... hang on. Human Resources, Liz Wheeler speaking, how can I help you?”

Wheeler, who considers herself a liberal and pacifist and is an avid viewer of the Lifetime Network, also feels that anyone who was even peripherally involved in the alleged dog fighting ring should have raw meat stapled to their bodies and be locked in an enclosed room with twelve pit bulls until all the flesh is ripped from their bones.

“That’s the only way they could truly experience the hell that those poor dogs went through,” Wheeler said. “It’s not enough just to give them jail time. It would be better to strap a bunch of meat to their bodies and let the dogs have at them. Eventually there would be no more flesh on their bones and the dogs would be sucking on their bone marrow. Then we could gather the bones together and use them to spell out ‘Fuck You’ on the front lawn of Vick’s house in Virginia.

“Remember, a society is judged by the way it treats its animals, and how severely it tortures those who abuse those animals.”

Wheeler’s sudden outburst left some of her co-workers wondering how a gentle, quiet soccer mom could harbor such sadistic impulses towards another human.

“Geez, that came out of the blue,” said Kinsberg. “I’ve been sitting next to Liz for almost a year now and she’s never said anything like that. So it’s kind of messed up to hear her start talking about ways to torture Michael Vick. Strapping meat to his body? Feeding his genitals to dogs? I had no idea she was such a crazed sadist. It’s actually kind of hot. I wonder what other secrets that little minx is hiding.”

Kinsberg clarified that he agreed with Wheeler in principle – that dog fighting is wrong and Vick should be punished – but couldn’t relate to her desire to inflict physical and mental torture on someone.

“It’s a dastardly thing that Vick supposedly did,” said Kinsberg. “That being said, we have a justice system in this country and we should let it do its job. Torture isn’t really necessary. I mean, it’s not like he killed people. Terrorists kill people, and those pricks should be tortured till the cows come home. Rip their throats out. Stick flaming bamboo under their fingernails. Stuff their heads in the toilet. Don’t tell Liz I said all that, though. She hates the fact that we torture those detainees.”

Not all of Wheeler’s co-workers were horrified by her statements, however. In fact, she actually found some support in the HR department from none other than her manager, Jared Moseman, who also feels that prison time would be “too lenient” for Vick.

“Thank you, Liz. I’m glad somebody had the guts to say that,” Moseman said. “People who hurt and kill dogs are sick. They lack the basic compassion for life that makes us all human. I consider myself a reasonable man, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to demand that he be stripped naked, covered in peanut butter, mauled by pit bulls, then electrocuted and drowned. Of course, everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but I don’t care. I don’t even care if he’s falsely accused. Torture the fucker. Someone has to pay for this.”

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